


Behind Closed Doors

by morkzone



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Markbum, POV First Person, Pining, producer!im jaebum, stylist!mark tuan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-10-10 05:16:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17419775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morkzone/pseuds/morkzone
Summary: Look, I never really meant to “feel” anything for Im Jaebum. For the life of me, all I ever expected when we met was some tumble in the sheets and a lackluster night to be forgotten soon after. I needed a distraction and he happened to need some warm body to be next to him. A win-win situation, if you’d ask me.We both entered that setup with clear understanding that anything that goes beyond physical was impossible; you know, the usual cliche shit. Yet I was just an idiot to even let my walls down for him. It may have been my situation that called for it or I may haven’t really been as strong as I thought I was.Either way, I’m still fucked because here I am—helplessly and hopelessly thinking about him in the middle of the day while I should have been working my ass off instead.Fucking feelings.





	1. Nothing Personal

_Three months ago..._

It was just one of those nights when I met him—a noisy crowd, table filled with drinks and a few overpriced chips, sweaty bodies bumping into each other and outrageous costumes that one could only bravely put on every year. It was in some obnoxious Halloween party at the high end club in the city, one where you can only get in if you placed reservations. Luckily, one of my colleagues, Kim Yugyeom, were friends with the organizers, so it was easier for us to get in and snag a table near the stage.

I have to say though, I wasn’t really into the whole bop your head to a rock band while you get drunk scene. Yes, that typical cliche shit you see in movies wherein you had to move closer to each other’s ears so you could at least talk. I’m more into a mellow crowd, a good drink with a good indie band playing in the background so you and your friends could still talk without having to strain your throats.

But what can I say? It’s almost the end of the year and this calls for some shitty decisions. And like they say, _You Only Live Once_.And so there I was, living life to the fullest... I guess?

“Mark hyung!” Bambam yelled beside me, his body obviously shaking with excitement. I glanced at him and inched closer to hear what he had to say, as the band in front of us started their next song. Good god, it sounded just like the first one. “Hey, you might find your guy here! I will help you get your make out buddy!” he happily announced, clapping his hands in glee. I merely shook my head in exasperation while quietly regretting how I mumbled about wanting some distraction to get over my problems aloud.

“Let us see if that’s even possible. All the guys here seems to be younger or straight. No one’s going to be upfront about it, Bam-ah.” Bambam just scoffed at that, randomly pointing at guys like we’re at a candy shop.

I instantly took a swig of the beer offered to me, finally finding at least one good thing at this place. Their beers might be expensive as fuck, but they taste really, really good.

“Hey, I invited some guys to join us. I hope you’re fine with that?” Choi Youngjae, a sunshine personified, working as a freelance model yelled over the noise, his usual smiley face now marred with worry. Before I could reassure him that it was fine, Park Jinyoung, one of my closest friends, had already beaten me to it.

“It’s okay, Youngjae-yah. So long as they would pitch in with the bill?”

Youngjae immediately nodded his head in confirmation, smiling widely at his hyung’s teasing tone. I gave him a smile of confirmation when he glanced at me, tipping my beer in agreement.

There were a lot of bands that played that night, each wearing weird costumes that I won’t bore you with. The music was fine, except for one person that seemed to be just singing for fun and theatrics. God, his voice grated my ears. Who the hell told him he could fucking sing?

In middle of all of the bands I have no choice but to listen to, two guys had came in our group, one whose name I couldn’t really remember anymore and one named Jaebum. I barely glanced at them when Youngjae was introducing them to us, no longer minding since my eyes were set on a drummer, looking so cute in his _Paulie Bleeker_ costume. His lips were exquisitely plump too.

 _Seems to be perfect..._ I thought.

“Hey, can I call dibs on the guy wearing those cute nerdy glasses?” Bambam whispered on my ear soon after, making me gaze back at the newcomers and seeing the man in question.

“Who?”

“That guy named Jaebum,” he said, eyes no longer on me as he had started to flirt his way on the guy looking unbelievably out of place.

Well, out of place because for starters he’s not wearing a costume but a neat looking blue long-sleeved top and black pants, as if he just came from the office and just got here; adding to the good boy aura were those black rimmed glasses he’s wearing proudly on top of his tall and proud nose. He seemed to be against the whole rock band scene, if his unamused eyes were any indication.

I glanced away from them when he began to get immersed into the conversation Bambam started with him, mentally backing off as my friend called dibs.

The night sped away fast, my eyes scanning the place each time. There were a few guys and girls that approached our table, striking conversations that seemed to be futile as the rock music drowned our voices before I could even find myself interested with what they had to say. I was growing frustrated as my plans looked to be not working out.

My plan, you ask?

Oh, I was planning to look for a perfect make out buddy. No, not a sex partner, just someone to kiss and probably do something close to that. All physical but detached from feelings. _Why?_ Well, why not?

I’m single for the past seven years, haven’t been with anyone, even just for a measly date. I think it’s the best time as ever.

But tonight seemed to be not that night.

It was nearing the end of the bands playing when Bambam and Yugyeom got back from outside, having to smoke with some of our other friends, including that newcomer, Jaebum.

 _A smoker._ Interesting.

“Hyung, I got you a perfect make out buddy!” my Thai friend gushed out even before he could take the seat beside me. I hummed nonchalantly, focusing on letting the tequila go down my throat smoothly before sucking a piece of lemon. “Hey!” he whispered, shaking my arm to get my attention.

“Hmm?” I responded, the piece of lemon still on my mouth. It was that perfect moment that Jaebum sat in front of me, making me glance at his face and noting for the first time—since the first ones were when the place was almost pitch dark, save from the strobe lights, that he was kinda _cute._

“Jaebum could be your perfect make out buddy!!!” Bambam announced proudly, but not loud enough for some of our friends on the table to hear. The said man looked up at me in surprise, locking his dark eyes at me with a silent question in his black orbs.

“What?” I hissed at my friend, gazing away from the other guy to glare at Bambam. _What was he playing? He called dibs on him, right?_

“He could be your perfect M.O.B.!” switching his gaze, Bambam faced Jaebum. “Hyung, you mentioned that you don’t have someone and that you’re down for a good time, right? Mark is perfect for you!” the younger said, earning a hesitant nod from the latter before glancing at me. I eyed him cautiously, studying his features now that the lights were better and it’s just a soft music playing on the speakers as the bands had ended their sets a few minutes ago.

_I wasn’t complaining so far._

“You really down?” I asked him then, feeling goosebumps on my arms from how intense he looked back at me.

He smiled suddenly, titling his head at the side before nodding his head fervently.

“Why?”

“I need it. Heard you do too,” he simply responded, shrugging his wide shoulders as emphasis.

I hummed noncommittally, taking another shot of tequila in some weird show of dominance for I don’t want to suddenly look like his gaze made me internally cower.

_Two can play this game._

Jinyoung sat beside him then and Jaebum broke our staring match, in exchange for my friend’s attention.

It was that moment that I noticed it, how Jaebum’s eyes started to sparkle in such a mysterious way when he glanced at Jinyoung. He went back to being shy and timid beside him, mouth breaking into a smile that if I will be more honest, took my breath away because, damn, that’s hella beautiful.

Observing their interaction, I only got one conclusion: this guy, like most of the ones we’ve met before, was already whipped for Park Jinyoung.

I mean, I get that—Park Jinyoung’s perfect. He could sing, he could fucking dance, he has that annoyingly good looking face, hot body and pouty lips. Add to the mix of his perfection was his fame, as he’s an upcoming actor starting his own drama soon.

_What’s not to like?_

For our weird casual exchange, one would think Jaebum and I really ended up making out that night. Given my awkward demeanor and standoffishness, it shouldn’t have been a surprise for you to know that I sort of chickened out. Keyword: _sort of._

The real reason wasn’t because I was scared of making out with a stranger. I have done that before, it ain’t new. I just figured that, I should let him off the hook so he won’t have to settle with the _friend_ instead of the target. I still have my pride even though I’m willing to put out and do something not remotely wholesome. 

So, there. I gave some lame excuse that I had to go home and let Jaebum hangout with Bambam and Jinyoung to go to another bar instead.

*

A few days had passed after that night I met him. To be honest, I kind of forgot about Im Jaebum. I got too much on my plate and some guy that seemed to be interested on my friend isn’t one I would constantly think about.

Well, I _almost_ forgot about it if not for my annoying friend Bambam who would continue to pester me about him. _Just my luck._

“Hyung! You should have ended up hooking up with him, you know? He told me that he used to have a make out buddy before and that they were totally casual! Isn’t that perfect to what you wanted?” the younger gushed animatedly, the make up artist working on his eyebrows glancing at me a little bit scandalously. I barely kept my right foot from kicking his shin while I try to decide which shirt will work well for his photoshoot.

“What the fuck, Bammie? Shut up!”

“Oops! Sorry,” he apologized, not really looking remorseful to what he just blurted out.

“And heck, you asked him that?” I couldn’t help but asked, mortified that Jaebum would freely give such information to my friend like that.

“Well, we kind of gotten into that topic. I think we got a bit drunk. I can’t rememeber how but yeah. And he kept on asking about you for some reason.” Bambam held the make up noona’s wrist to still her hand before facing me. His eyes had that usual mirth when he’s about to say something embarrassing or cheesy. I steeled myself from the blow. “He said that he’s curious about your lips! He said it looked really soft and he wanted to find out if it really is.”

Okay. I said I steeled myself but I didn’t say I’m immune at that. Just imagining Jaebum’s timid face wondering about me, had me frowning in confusion while warmth creeped on my cheeks and neck.

“Shut up, Bambam. Stop making up shit!” I admonished lamely, clearing my throat as my voice almost cracked.

I could still feel my friend’s eyes on me, heavier now because even the noonas working on his make up and hair seemed to be gazing at me. When I really couldn’t take the unwarranted attention being given, I finally kicked my friend’s shin.

I got satisfied when I heard him howl in pain.

*

It was a few days later that I finally received a message from the guy Bambam’s waxing lyrical lines about. It was a simple message, innocent and almost sweet: 

_Hi Mark! It was nice to meet you the other night._

I stared at the message for a long time, thinking hard of what to say that won’t sound too lame or too earnest. The least I wanted Jaebum to think was that I was excited to receive a message from him.

 _It was nice to meet you too._ I sent back. Immediately receiving a, _How are you?_ as a reply.

It has been too long. It has been seven years since I last dated someone. Since then I haven’t really gone out with anyone. I had crushes here and there but nothing really stood out for me to ask someone out or just have small talks with.

So just being in that situation again, being asked such a simple question made me want to run away from it. It didn’t feel good. It made me infinitely nervous.

 _I’m okay? You?_ I finally typed back, clicking on his photo and seeing him holding a blue eyed cat close to his face.

 _Hmm... adorable._ I thought to myself, my phone notifying me for a new message.

 _I’m okay as well. Why is there a question mark if you’re okay?_ he asked, surprising me a bit that he noticed.

_I’m just surprised someone asked me that. But yeah, I’m okay. lol_

He sent me another message, telling me how he couldn’t believe I wasn’t usually asked by a lot of people about my welfare. We kind of skirted into that circle, mostly him keeping the conversation while I awkwardly answer his menial questions. In the middle of me panicking because, again, I’m not used to talking to new people, I sent Bambam a message.

_How the fuck did Im Jaebum got my number?!_

_I don’t know._

_Stop lying! You rascal!_

_I swear, hyung it wasn’t me. I didn’t give it to him. Maybe it was Jinyoung hyung. Jaebum hyung gave him a ride the that night we met. Told you he was interested in you._

_That asshat! I just got a message from Jaebum and I’m panicking. What the fuck should I say? I don’t do small talks, Bammie. I only want someone to fool around with. I need his mouth but not for talking._  

It wasn’t long when I received encouraging words from my stupid friend.

_Then why don’t you tell him that? No way for him to know if you won’t tell him, hyung. Follow your own advice, use your mouth. XD_

I rolled my eyes in frustration for not getting any serious support from the root cause of this.

Deciding to cut the lame introductions short, I composed a new message.

 _Look, Jaebum, I’m not really into the whole small talk. Can we go straight to the point?_ I bravely asked, cutting him short when we started talking about how I became a stylist.

 _What do you want?_ He asked, and for some reason it sounded so different from how his messages were made from before. It’s like he changed into another person and that innocent guy I was talking to a while ago was gone.

I bit my lip in contemplation, finding the right words to sound cool. Yes, I am a calculating person by nature, I always do things with the intention of getting the upperhand.

 _I want lots of things. In a philosphical point of view, I want to know the purpose of living and all those nitty gritty shit. I also want to travel the world and learn new languages. I want world peace and cleaner environment._ I hit send, then swiftly typed my next message before he could reply.

_But if you’re asking for what I think you really want to know… then I’ll tell you this: I want someone to make out with, are you game?_

I waited in anticipation as the three dots continued to blink repeatedly, indicating that he’s typing his reply already.

After a few seconds of waiting, a message popped out below my very own.

_I thought you will never ask._

I smiled, realizing soon after that the whole good boy persona was just a front and Im Jaebum wasn’t really that shy and timid guy I have met a few nights ago. We casually talked about how we would do it and even came up with a few ground rules to keep things clean and uncomplicated.

First and foremost?

No feelings. No falling in love. Or else we’re out.

I mean it goes without saying as we were purely physical. But stating things like that would be better than to cross blurred lines in the future, right?

 _Do you only want to make out with me? Nothing more?_ he asked which I immediately answered with a yes, but also told him that if ever both of us were ready to go further, it could be talked about.

We could still date other people but once we’re in a serious relationship, we’ll also stop. We’re fooling around but we won’t cheat.

It has been agreed upon that we would always go dutch. I mean, we’re two mature individuals so it seemed to be fair that no one should be pampered.

We should keep things discreet—no one should know.

We also agreed that smelling good is a must and rather than doing it at any of our apartments, a neutral ground would be better; so we agreed that love hotels would be the safest.

We shouldn’t also leave visible marks on each other’s body, as to adhere with the being discreet rule.

Then an idea came to me. At the recesses of my mind, I knew asking for it was bad. But prior to being interested in finding someone to make out with, I only want someone to hold me—just that classic and tender way one person holds another.

_Can we cuddle or is that a no go?_

It was a few minutes when he replied with, _No problem, just don’t fall in love with me._

I scoffed at that, finding that Im Jaebum wasn’t only a two faced shithead but a conceited one as well.

 _As if?_ I replied, rolling my eyes in disbelief.

We continued to clear out our setup, making sure we’re not leaving any loose ends to keep things as casual and mechanical as it’s supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m sort of back with a new fic that’s cliche as fck it makes me cringe. LOL  
> There might be a tiny bit of resemblance from the fic I wrote for the recent markbum fic fest however, the only similarities were the ground rules. But aside from that, this is a whole new world. Haha!  
> I hope you guys are still willing to go through this with me. This will be written entirely in First Person POV so it’ll be different from the usual fics I have published so far. I am looking into updating every week as I have finished quite a few chapters ahead. Let us hope I won’t fall behind the schedule I gave myself. Hahahaha! Thank you in advance for everything!
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	2. Lost Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!!!

Having a make out buddy, as I realized, is like having a boyfriend minus the feelings and drama. You will have the benefits of being held and kissed but no one’s going to expect you to say the sweetest things or be tender after the deed. Just what I was looking for at that time.

The first time Jaebum and I met alone was sometime early in November. It was after my scheduled photoshoot and a few hours before his meeting for some new music he’s producing. We agreed that it’s better if he’ll pick me up from my apartment since there will be lesser eyes who could see us. It’s also closer to hotels we could check into.

“Hey,” he greeted me casually as I hopped into his car, becoming immediately awkward when I realized that _this is it, we’re really going to do it._

I mumbled a timid, “Hey,” back, not really knowing what to do with my hands now that I was inside the vehicle, which I noticed was clean and smelled a little bit like berry candies. I put on my seatbelt then, glancing at him stealthily to check out what he’s wearing. This time, Jaebum’s in a simple white shirt and ripped jeans, totally casual and unbothered compared to my gray pull over and skin tight pants.

“You okay?” Jaebum asked, left hand on the steering wheel while his right hand’s hovering over the gear, switching it to drive before we finally moved forward.

“Yeah,” I breathed, forcing a smile in the hopes to not look what I actually feel. He hummed noncommittally and started playing music to fill the silence. It was then that I realized what music was playing. “Isn’t this The Midnight’s Lost Boy?”

“Yeah,” he answered, surprising me.

“You also know them?” I asked, shocked by the idea that Im Jaebum would listen to some indie electro-pop band. I thought he’s the R&B kind of guy, one who’s only closely leaning into that genre.

“Not really. I just saw you posted that on your IG story and got curious. I have to say, you have good taste in music,” he said, giving me a bright smile after pulling a stop at a red light.

I nodded my head in response and cleared my throat to conceal my embarrassment from the sudden compliment. I wasn’t really used to being flattered and when it was given, I tend to do the most embarrassing things like apologizing for no reason or stuttering.

Fortunately, my brain didn’t shortcircuited after Jaebum complimented me, so I kept my cool and just received it in silence. A much better way to digest it rather than creating an uncomfortable scene before we started making out.

It wasn’t long when the two of us had parked below our assigned room, a spacious one at that, with a queen sized bed in the middle, mirrors lining up the room and leaving no space to hide. In the farthest right was another door which I immediately figured was the bathroom.

I placed my cellphone and wallet at the nearby coffee table, before taking a seat at the end of the bed. Jaebum excused himself to go to the bathroom so I took that moment to make myself comfortable. I removed my shoes and socks, lining them up neatly at the foot of the bed then I crawled towards the headboard, leaning against it while I scanned channels to pass time.

I opted to leave it on a music channel, deciding that it’s better to let some background music play while we do what we had to do tonight. Jaebum emerged from the bathroom then, sans the shirt he was wearing, leaving him with only his pants on and a slightly wet hair from maybe washing his face. There was a small towel wrapped around his neck, making him look at ease while I was there at the bed, feeling awkward because I must looked stupid, _waiting._

“You nervous?” he asked, standing next to the other side of the bed I was lying on and motioning for me to straddle him when he laid next to me. I shook my head as a response to the question he asked before he easily wrapped his arms around my waist, securing my body on top of him, feeling his strong thighs under me. It was also that moment that I got the chance to study his face up close for the first time. With his eyeglasses gone, I have finally noticed the twin moles placed perfectly just above his left eyelid, looking unbelievably adorable on his face.

I couldn’t help but touch it, caressing his skin for the first time.

“Your moles are perfect. Is this real?” Jaebum chuckled good-naturedly, holding my wrist so he could direct my hand towards his lip and kissed each of my fingers in reverence.

“You’re not the first one that asked. But yeah, they are real. I believe it’s one of my assets,” he whispered, voice lowering an octave as his eyes studied my face, touching my upper lip where a mole was also placed. “This real too?”

I smiled whilst nodding my head, finding our conversation a bit odd and too casual for the situation.

“You really have gorgeous lips,” he murmured.

“So, I’ve been told,” I chuckled this time, leaning closer but not quite close so we could kiss. I could feel his breath, fanning my cheeks with warmth and there’s a faint smell of berries from it, just like the smell of his car. “You smell like berries,” I whispered under my breath.

“It’s my vape juice. Do you mind? I forgot to tell you.”

“No, it’s fine,” I replied, smiling. “I like berries.”

We stayed that way for a moment, staring at each other silently and breathing in anticipation for what’s to come. Jaebum glanced at my lips then, biting and licking his own that catapulted me to let the tension snap when I moved towards his mouth like an avalanche.

It’s surprising to note that Jaebum was a great kisser, he didn’t do any of those sloppy and wet kisses some guys I made out with did before. He’s more into being sensual, slow and passionate as he moved his lips against mine. He seemed to be memorizing the pattern of my mouth, leaving a pattern of his own with every move he made. Soon enough, he’s sucking my lower lip and biting it painfully but not to the point that it’s unbearable. The effect of his actions were now evident on our crotches, my tight jeans digging against my dick. I couldn’t help but grind against him, fighting the urge to brizzle in excitement when I felt his equally hard length against my leg.

He was… Jaebum was _big._

“Fuck, I was right,” he mused when we parted for a while to catch our breaths.

“What?” I asked, confused, my hands still cupping his nape and cheeks, turning his hair into a mess.

“Your lips are delicious. God, I want more of it,” he replied, crashing said lips to his once more, ravishing it until it was swollen than it could ever be.

It wasn’t long when Jaebum slipped his fingers under my shirt, leaving goosebumps in their wake as he let it dance against my skin. When he once again reached the hem of my shirt, his hand hovered, as if hesitating.

Smirking, I drew myself away from our kiss to remove it myself, quickly guiding his hands back on my waist and feeling his warm hands on my skin like a branding iron. The feeling of warmth that the skin to skin brought was a total contrast to the chilling airconditioned room and that alone was enough to make me crazy, to let me lose my reservations.

Jaebum groaned in pleasure when I pulled him back towards me, this time trailing kisses on his jaw and nuzzling my nose up to the back of his ear. In that action alone, I have found out an essential information about him; first, he’s very sensitive in that part of his body, causing him to groan loudly and secondly, he has the tendency to manhandle the person doing it.

I felt like a doll being tossed around the bed, my back hitting the cushion while he’s now on top and covering me with his wide frame. Jaebum’s strong arms were bracketing my head, his silhouette covering the dimmed light. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist, instantaneously having his body slotted perfectly to mine, naked chest to an equally naked one. His tongue continued to dance with mine, our moans of pleasure drowning whenever our mouths would meet. We continued to make out in that position, grinding and petting until we’re breathless, messy but satisfied.

It was a few hours after when we finally stopped, our lust sated and lips obviously swollen. We’re sitting side by side, our backs against the headboard, eyes glued to the television that’s playing some girl group dancing to a bubbly pop song.

“Do you mind?” he asked me a few minutes later, his vape now inches from his lips. I shrugged my shoulders in nonchalance, switching channels to pass time.

“Go ahead.”

“Uhm, do you smoke?” he asked again, right after a gust of smoke engulfed the space, obscuring my vision for a while.

I shook my head in response before saying, “Nope. Tried it once in college but the thing just didn’t stick. I think it’s because of the smell. I hate smelling like a chimney.”

He chuckled. “I see. I understand what you mean. It could be a hassle to always cover it. I was planning to quit smoking actually. That’s why I switched to vaping first.”

“The smell of berries can still be addicting though,” I mused, smiling when he blew another smoke in my face.

“And you just told me you like berries, does that mean you will get addicted to me?” he challenged, his eyes mirthful like a snare as if waiting for me to take a bite.

_Such a fuckboy._

“You wish,” I scoffed, fighting the urge to roll my eyes and instead stretching my limbs to remove any krink left on my muscles. I turned my head from side to side, hearing my neck cracking slightly, its sound satisfying. I was about to moan from the sensation but the source became immediately replaced when Jaebum latched his mouth on my exposed skin, lapping on it like water on a desert.

“I am so dying to leave a mark over here,” he murmured on my skin, in the juncture between my neck and shoulders where most people would see. I frowned in confusion.

_Didn’t we talk about it? I thought he didn’t like leaving obvious marks since he wanted to stay lowkey?_

“Don’t. I will kick your balls,” I gritted back, my voice light but the threat serious enough for him to cup my cheeks so we could gaze at each other again.

“I won’t. But I was just thinking how it would look like if I leave one. Your skin’s so damn tempting, did you even know that?”

Mulling about it, I couldn’t help but brizzle from the flattery. Jaebum’s sweet talks surprisingly working on my usually deadset heart. I bit my lip in contemplation, staring at his swollen lip and dilated eyes. It wasn’t long when I could no longer fight the smile breaking from my face which I quickly tried to hide with my sarcasm.

“You talk too much, did you even know that?”

Jaebum laughed out loud then, shaking his head in amusement while he continued to vape, filling the room with the smell of berries that seemed to stick onto my skin, until our time finally came to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello?
> 
> I know I mentioned that I was looking into posting one chapter per week but I like the challenge (which I AM SURE I WOULD FAIL MISERABLY)... so why not do it, right? Hahaha! But to be honest I was just really pumped up from your comments that’s why. And I also want to get this out of my system as soon as possible. So that being said, please expect an update every Sundays and Fridays. And if there would be delays, I will give a heads up on Twitter. @morkzone :)
> 
> Anyway, let us talk about this chapter. I just have a question, do you also get embarrassed when someone gives you a compliment? Because I sure do, like Mark, I either say inappropriate things or I stutter. lol
> 
> Again, thank you for your support guys. I really appreciate it.
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	3. Strawberries and Cigarettes

They say that being addicted to something usually starts with curiosity. At first, you will just circle around the idea and won’t feel the grasp of its claws on your skin. It will be like an invisible vise that will slowly grip your limbs and won’t let you see its effect until it’s too late to run away. It’s like a quicksand, drowning you slowly with almost zero percent of survival.

Unfortunately, the taste of Jaebum’s lips had slowly became a vice.

It started that night in November and continued as we did it the very next day and the day after that. We stayed in the borders of making out and went a little bit over when I allowed him to give me a head.

The fucking guy blew my mind that I almost let him go all the way.

His hands were gripping my wrist tightly then, digging them onto the cushion as he suck air from my lips. I begged him with my eyes, my body screaming in agony when his warmth left me momentarily.  
Jaebum stripped me from my shirt confidently this time, an obvious smirk forming on his red lips that I was dying to bite one more time.

“So fucking sexy,” he whispered, hands instantaneously roaming across my chest and electrifying me completely.

“Ahh!” I moaned aloud, my back arching as I follow his fingertips that started to tease my skin. “Jaebum…”

“Can I fuck you?” he growls the words for the first time, eyes frantically gazing at me before pressing his length on my leg. My heart leaped at his earnestness and vigor to bed me, however, my resolve about sex was still strong despite his persuasive tongue.

I shook my head lightly. “Nope, let’s just make out,” I whispered, snaking my hands towards his head to pull him back down. But Jaebum stayed frozen in his position, eyes still on me.

“Okay, but can you at least let me give you a head? I really want to taste you.” The way he said it was so desperate, like I could feel his sincerity while staying unbelievably polite. My heart skipped a beat and the time stood still for a minute. Our eyes were dilating more and more with desire as he waited for my answer whilst giving my mind time to mull over the million possibilities.

 _This step will make us more intimate and this might lead to something more. However, it’s still safe since I could always say no when I don’t feel like doing it anymore._ I thought for a while, smiling at Jaebum that’s waiting patiently for me.

When all things were finally considered, I just couldn’t help it anymore. The answer was obvious because if I will be really honest… _I also want to taste him._

The moment I nodded my head, Jaebum was once again all over me, taking the rest of my clothing exquisitely slow as he built up my anticipation for what’s to come. I could hear my heart pounding loudly in my chest, blood roaring in my ears while my skin felt like it was burning despite the cold temperature of the room. The sensations I was feeling in my body could rival any disaster, it’s so consuming and overwhelming.

_Couldn’t he just hurry up?_

My breath caught up in my throat when Jaebum finally frees me from my underwear, the cold air biting through the unblemished skin he recently exposed. I could feel his eyes darting at me, as if checking if I was really okay, his breath coming in and out like audible beats of time—just like mine.

I was suddenly hyper aware. I didn’t know if it was because of the anticipation I was subjected to or the cold room we’re in. Unfortunately—or fortunately, I no longer have enough time to overanalyze the situation, for before I could shiver from the chills enveloping my naked form, I was already covered with Jaebum’s hot, wet and tight mouth.

“Fuck!” I groaned, hands gripping the blanket in shock.

That first touch of his tongue on my member had me rolling my eyes in ecstasy and the delicious sensation didn’t stop from there because Jaebum took me higher when he lapped me inch by inch.

I immediately covered my mouth with my hands, drowning the moans and mewls that were trying to escape my lips when he started swallowing me from the tip to the base, sucking the head of my cock with his gorgeous lips. It was a sound I wasn’t sure I was capable of, but with the sensation engulfing my body, it wasn’t surprising that I was suddenly singing my high praises in muffled screams.

Jaebum kept on his undoing, coaxing my body and proving me that I chose the right thing. He had a strange way of handling me now. He’s not as gentle and slow as he was before, but the way he would look at me, the way he would watch me from under his eyelashes while he sucks me off was so sickeningly soft.

“Jaebum,” I couldn’t help but whine, his name a disgusting sound coming out of my lips. Now, look, I would have gagged if it had happened another time, like a time when I wasn’t cross eyed and someone else’s mouth wasn’t on my cock, for I don’t whine since it makes me look needy. However, the familiar heat forming in my stomach drove me wild. It made me do things even I despise.

“Jaebum, I’m… I’m close. Sto—” I stammered, trying to get his attention again. Jaebum, on the other hand, continued with his ministrations, not letting me think twice in climaxing in his mouth.

“Holy shit!” I breathed out, after my orgasm had passed. Jaebum by then was back into kissing my skin again, his lips roaming on my leg and back up my chest.

The electrifying euphoria of being sated had me wanting to be generous, so instead of just letting Jaebum kiss me, I used all of my remaining energy to flip his wide frame and put him under me.

I smiled mischievously at him when he looked back at me in confusion, assuring him that I got everything under control. And with all the excitement I could muster, I whispered, “My turn!”

From then on, it seemed like giving a head had been part of our making out routine. We become more attuned to each other’s body reactions. Quite funny since the first night we parted, Jaebum and I were so awkward with each other, not knowing what to do before we part ways. We were still inside his car back then, parked just in front of my apartment complex, idle.

“This is so embarrassing!” I remember whining when I almost bumped my head to his nose, off beat with his movements. “Do I kiss, hug or just thank you and go? I’m not really used to this.”

He laughed with me, nodding his head in agreement as he cupped my cheeks tenderly.

“Okay, let’s just make an agreement that whenever we’ll part ways, I will give you a kiss, like this.” Jaebum then kissed me full on the lips once, showing me how we would do it the next time. “And then you will give me a hug?” On cue, I carefully gave him a hug, my arms wrapping perfectly around his neck while his were on my waist. We stayed that way for a few minutes, letting the situation become more comfortable before he whispered, “And then, after that, we’ll say goodnight… Goodnight, Mark.”

“Goodnight, Jaebum,” I whispered under my breath, smiling in amusement before hopping off his car and feeling his eyes on me until I entered the building.

We’ve done that about thrice now and we’re currently in the stage of being insatiable; saying goodbye without bumping our heads against each other and getting off our desires by blowing each other off but not quite, since we’re still skirting around the idea of having sex. I know that the only way for me to be fully satisfied was if we finally do it, yet for some reason, I just couldn’t. Not because I was incapable but because I know that sex can get things messy. Like being connected and intimate that way, could only lead to expectations and that as a result could muddle the thin line of our agreement to stay detached from each other.

The least I wanted to happen with Jaebum was to fall for his charms and be left hurt in the end. My fragile situation just couldn’t deal with any of that complication and mess.

Yet feelings, as I have realized could hit you at times you weren’t expecting, creep under you skin and left you heaving for air.

The first time I felt a certain _something_ (this, I still insist was just pity) towards Jaebum was a few days after the last time we met. We don’t usually talk, the only time he would text me was when he’ll invite me to hang out, vise versa. When we’re together, we’re only using our mouths to kiss rather than to communicate verbally. But that night, Jaebum suddenly sent me a message, a cryptic one that had me halting my steps towards my bedroom.

_Mark, I’m doomed._

Frowning, I typed, _What do you mean?_ Still trying to sound as detached as I could whilst feeding my curiosity.

 _I crashed my car today. Haha!_ he instantly replied, the callousness of his message seemed to be off, even for my apathetic ass.

 _You serious?!_ I chose to sent back, lying down on my bed to ease the tension from my deadbeat body and the weird conversation I was currently having with the other guy.

It wasn’t long when a ping alerted me of a reply.

_Yeah. I busted my bumper. Oh man, this will cost me a leg._

_Were_ _you_ _drunk?_ I asked _._

_A little bit?_

_Were you hurt?_

_Physically? No._

I bit my lip in contemplation, not really wanting to ask it because it would compromise my stand on our setup. However, my curious nature had me compromising.

Fuck this!

Deciding to throw my proprietary out of the window, I finally typed, _Want to talk about it?_

It took a while for him to send an answer, the three dots continuing to blink back, disappear and then back again.

_Just a bit sad. I saw her today and it made me want to throw a fit._

And it dawned on me. I suddenly remembered that second night we were together, my head resting on Jaebum’s chest while he’s playing with my hair—both of our minds roaming someplace else. It was the first time we tried cuddling; Jaebum inviting me over his side after I came out of the bathroom, his naked chest looking so cozy to lay my head on.

It was also the first time he started sharing things, mostly his feelings for somebody else.

I wasn’t supposed to know about it if it wasn’t because of a damn show we were watching. I commented about how stupid the couple was for salvaging an already sinking relationship. It’s obvious that they were only holding on to a thin thread.

“Ouch,” he murmured on my hair, making me glance back up his face.

“Why? I’m just telling the truth. It’s pretty obvious that the guy’s suffering from waiting on that girl. So why stay?”

“There might be a substantial reason,” Jaebum reasoned out, eyes suddenly passionate.

I just scoffed in disagreement, my logical mind unable to wrap around the idea he’s debating about.

“Haven’t you had situations like that before? Holding on to something important because you love it… or him?”

I shook my head. “I’m too logical to let myself be subjected to a lifelong of emotional pain.”

“Are you even capable of feeling anything? Do you still have emotions left in you?” he asked lightly, the question not really meant to be offending despite his line of questioning. I merely shrugged my shoulders in nonchalance, eyes now back on the television.

“I could still feel. I just choose where to spend them.”

“I envy you,” he whispered, voice so low I almost didn’t hear it, if it wasn’t from my ear being pressed close to his chest.

I hummed in question, eyes still on the show but my mind highwired towards him.

Jaebum sighed deeply then, going back to playing with my hair before he spoke. “I envy you because I feel a lot and I can’t help but put it upon myself to feel everything. Prior to meeting you, I used to date this girl.”

“Please tell me you’re no longer together?” I cut him off, paling at the idea that he might still be with someone and we’re sort of cheating on her.

He looked at me incredulously, chuckling when he understood what I was implying. “We’re no longer together. Trust me.”

“Okay. Just making sure,” I mumbled, shrugging.

“We’re no longer together because she didn’t want me,” he continued to say. “At first I thought she did. I mean, we were going out for months. I was treating our relationship seriously but then she decided not to be with me all of a sudden, saying she’s confused with the whole thing.”

“Uhm… how long were you going out?” I asked, not because I was interested but because Jaebum’s pause was awkward and seemed to be looking for my cooperation.

“Three months,” he answered before breathing deeply in my ear. It took us a few moment of silence before he broke it by saying, “Is it okay for you that I’m sharing this? I know this isn’t part of our deal. I’m so sorry for imposing.”

That took me by surprise because I wasn’t aware that we’re threading on thin ice, and it frustrated me that I let it happen blindly. Shaking the sudden urge to bolt out of the door, I carefully pushed myself away from his warmth while making sure to paste a tight smile on my face so I’d still look fine. Jaebum had the same smile on his face when I glanced at him and that was enough for me to let the slip of awareness go.

 _At least, I wasn’t the only one,_ I thought.

I immediately changed the subject from there, kidding about him being sappy and dramatic which he took it in stride, eating up my distraction to cover his weakness he just opened up to me.

I was suddenly pulled back to the present when another notification came on my phone, immediately making me glance at the screen.

 _I think it’ll be better if I’m gone,_ Jaebum said, the text simple but contained a lot of dangerous possibilities. I stared at it for a long time, my head racing with thousands of words that could comfort a drowning heart.

But how can a person save a drowning man when he’s also in the brink of losing grip of the lifeline?

 _It’s your choice. Would you want to do it?_ I chose to say, staying in my own little island while trying to pull him back.

_Not really. I was just thinking if it would matter to people when I’m gone._

_I can’t say for sure._ I typed in, hoping that my words would be enough comfort for now, if it was what he’s needing from me. _It’s your life. People who know you would probably feel your absence… or they may not. But it’s just sad. Some people would like to stay and to live longer but they do not have the choice anymore. If you have the option to live it, then why not try a little bit more? You might find the answers along the way._ I said, hitting send while my heart started to ache in the most painful way possible.

I rolled out of my bed then, walking towards my window to gaze at the sky. I was hoping to see it dotted with stars; it’s vastness enough to keep my mind away from the reality I was suddenly thrust into. Yet all that greeted me were taller buildings surrounding mine, obscuring a vision I once have.

I swiped an errant tear immediately, swallowing the pain that’s bubbling at the deepest recesses of my heart. I have decided not to think about it anymore, to bury it and only let myself indulge about it once a month.

 _But it’s almost time,_ I thought, glancing at my calendar with a lone red circle drawn around the number 16. It’s glaring color reminding me of a heartbreak I tried to distract myself away from.

_Ping!_

My phone notified, alerting another message from Jaebum. It halted my thoughts, proving how effective it was to hold on to him right now when things were too messy on my personal life.

_You’re right. I’m sorry for bothering you, I’m just being a little bit emotional today. Thank you for listening, though. I will see you soon. Goodnight, Mark._

My fingers hovered on the reply button, thinking if it was a good idea to placate him of the situation. And it was then that I was suddenly reminded of our setup and my motto to keep things casual. It frustrated me that I just had thoughts of reaching out to him again and actually thought of acting like a friend.

 _Are we even friends?_ I asked myself, shaking my head in response. I placed my phone on the bedside table, leaving Jaebum’s message unanswered and on read before I went to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who’s with me on this new journey for markbum. I hope you guys are enjoying this.
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	4. Lilo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I will be very busy the whole weekend which I’m sure will make it hard for me to post an update so here it is, a day early than expected. 
> 
> Disclaimer: SMUT alert. Enjoy! :)

The dreaded day had come and I was restless. It felt like I was drowning and there’s no help coming. Keeping myself distracted with work wasn’t effective anymore and so was partying with my friends. I tried looking at clothes and shoes but the effect they had on me before was no longer working.

I felt nothing…I felt anxious.

There was only one thing left to try and at that time it sounded like a very good idea. I mean, Jaebum and his expert mouth could take me away from reality—at least for a while. Isn’t it a given that I’d call him for help?

It didn’t take him a lot of time to answer my message since he mentioned that he’s off work and made no plans for the night. He drove over my place within an hour after I invited him to hangout—a first for me since it was always him inviting. When I hopped in his car this time, it felt natural for me to sit at the passenger seat and put on my seatbelt like it’s my throne—like I owned it. Jaebum gave me a dazzling smile, his style a bit different from the usual as he’s only wearing sweatpants and an oversized shirt. His hair was soft and unstyled, bangs covering most of his face like he just got out of a shower.

I continued to check him out even after he pulled out of the driveway.

“You’re staring,” he deadpans, throwing me a glance before chuckling when he caught me still staring.

I felt my cheeks colored in embarrassment, averting my eyes outside the window, opting to watch the passersby instead. “I just noticed that you’re not wearing your _angsty_ clothes.”

“Angsty clothes?” he asked, amused. “What does that even look like?”

“You know, your ripped jeans and leather jackets. As if you were in some teenage rebellious stage.”

He laughed, shaking his head in obvious amusement. “I was only trying to impress you. Making out with a stylist makes me intimidated. I don’t want to be judged for my humble clothing.”

“Humble, huh?” I murmured listlessly. “You’re far from looking shabby even with your clothes right now. Stop fishing for compliments, Jaebum.”

He laughed heartily then, shifting gears as he made a turn towards the hotel. Silence had enveloped us again, brewing a tension I didn’t mean to make with my lackluster mood.

“So, what made you invite me over? Everything okay?” Jaebum carefully asked, glancing at me while we’re waiting for the attendant to give us a go signal to go upstairs for our room.

I shrugged my shoulders, not really keen on keeping my aloofness at bay. “Uhm… no. I’m not okay.”

“Why?” he asked, concern obvious on his face.

“Because today makes me sad,” I mumbled, breathing out a sigh as I adjusted my eyes to the dimmed parking room.  
  
“Why?”

“Just because…” I answered, letting it suffice as explanation.

“Mark…” Jaebum took and held my hand then, squeezing it to get my attention which I finally gave him after a few beats of time. “Why? Can’t you tell me?”

“It will ruin the mood,” I murmured, swallowing the lump forming on my throat.

“It won’t. What is it?” he insisted, his hand now on my shoulder, giving silent support I didn’t really ask for.

I gazed at his eyes in the dark, the dimmed lights enough to illuminate his face. I could see the earnestness in him, to know about how I feel—about me. Maybe it was that genuine concern from him that got me relenting, so I finally spoke, “This marks the fifth month of my mom’s death. I am sad because she’s no longer here and for once I do not want to spend the night crying myself to sleep.”

Did you know what I have realized after someone close to you died and people would find out about it? It’s that look they will give you after you tell them. No, it wasn’t entirely pity, although some would definitely give you that look as well. But for most cases, they would give you that look of realization, then understanding and then _guilt._

Guilt because they asked and for some reason that makes them feel bad. Quite funny since it’ll still be about them and not you, despite their hurried apologies.

“I’m sorry.” _See what I mean?_ “I shouldn’t have asked,” Jaebum instantaneously said, his voice turning morose, and like I have expected, changing the mood completely.

I chuckled humorlessly, whispering, “It’s okay. I think you needed to know about it anyway.”

“I still shouldn’t have forced you to say it.” He insisted while I shrugged my shoulders, words long escaped me to appease his guilty heart. “Uhm… we could just hang out all night, you know? No need to make out or anything,” he suggested after, looking troubled for once.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes and laugh at his lame attempt to console me. The way he’s treating me now totally differed from what he used to do for the past few nights we spent together. I kind of hated that he thought I should be handled like a fragile china now that he knew about my mom.

“No, it’s okay. I needed the distraction so let us do it like we usually do tonight,” I replied coarsely, hopping out of the car to go upstairs in our room. I immediately removed my shoes and shirt, sensing Jaebum standing behind me. I quickly turned my back to face him, striding towards him so I could feel his body against mine.

“Kiss me,” I murmured, before crashing our lips together and taking him by surprise. I let my hands grabbed onto his shoulders, feeling the muscles underneath the soft material of his shirt.

Jaebum immediately caught up with my advances, if his hands gripping my hips were any indication. It wasn’t long when both of us were flushed against each other, feeling both of our desires with every grind.

“Come to the bed now,” I breathed out then, leading him towards the bed where I instantly straddled him. Without a word, my fingers worked on his sweatpants, freeing him and feeling his hard length warm in the palm of my hands.

“Oh fuc—” Jaebum choked, hands flying to grip on my wrist so he could stop what I was about to do. “Stop. Wait, Mark. Let me wash up first.”

“No need. I want you now.” My determined eyes glanced at him, cutting him off with his nonsense to ask me to stop. I mean, _why stop when I could clearly feel him throbbing in my hands?_ It was effective as Jaebum easily shut his mouth closed, eyes turning glassy before he let go of my wrist to cover his face with his arm.

“You will be the death of me, man.”

I smiled triumphantly, continuing with what I had started, making sure to blow his mind like that first time we did it. I pushed his sweatpants just enough to expose his cock, my mouth instantly watering after seeing how beautifully hard it was.

_Jackpot_ , I thought to myself, staring at it momentarily before I gave it a soft lick, my tongue touching just the ridge of its tip. I heard another groan from him, his honey voice egging me to do more, to do better.

I held it with both of my hands, making sure to wet it enough so I could pump it easily. My mouth has now enguled half of his length, my tongue circling it and tracing the veins.

“Bless. That. Fucking. Mouth,” Jaebum breathed hoarsely, words emphasized with every pause while his fingers grabbed my hair almost painfully so. I swallowed all of him then, feeling his member at the back of my throat and I struggled to breathe through my nose. I continued the motion, bobbing my head up and down while making sure that I was sucking it everytime I’d feel the tip of his cock close to my lips.

I dared to look at him, my position making it a bit hard as he was lying down while I was kneeling on the bed. The state Jaebum’s currently in had me having shivers down my spine for he looked unbelievably sexy under the spell of my mouth. He’s clutching the sheets with one hand and the other’s in my head, his eyes were closed shut while his mouth opened to let out a silent scream of ecstasy.

In some weird sense of torture, I pulled away from his cock then, wanting him to put all of his attention on me again. The way his eyes flew open to glance at me was enough for my mind to swim dangerously at the edge with lust. It was just enough for me to feel that strange desire to be filled to the brim by someone else— _by him_ and at that moment I just knew…

_I’m ready._

“Fuck me,” I said, my voice determined and low. He momentarily looked confused at me before realization dawned on him. Jaebum tenderly caressed my cheek with his fingers first, touching my lips and tilting my chin.

“You sure?” he asked, eyes no longer clouded with ecstasy but cock still hard on my hand. I have somehow lost my voice then, suddenly feeling all my nerves electrified with anticipation for what’s to come. So instead of replying with the same bravado I had just a few seconds ago, I merely nodded my head.

I bit my lip when Jaebum slowly rises from his place on the bed, grabbing my arms to switch our positions, the only difference was that he asked me to lie face down.

“I will fuck you but there will be no regrets, right, Mark?” he whispered on my ear, his breath hot and enough for me to just come right there and then.

With all the strength I could muster, I answered, “No regrets.”

“Then keep your hands at your sides and don’t touch yourself unless I say so.”

I nodded my head in understanding and after that, there was just a flurry of activities behind me—Jaebum going over his sweatpants with what I assumed was all of the necessary things for tonight. I heard the sound of a foil and something else hitting the empty side of the bed.

“Do you have lube? Give it to me, I will prep myself,” I murmured, suddenly feeling conscious when the realization came to me that I haven’t really had sex for the past seven years and the only experience I had in being entered _there_ was with my fingers.

I heard him snicker behind me, the smirk on his handsome face could be felt with the sound. “You wish. I have been waiting for this moment to come since the first time I saw you. I will savor this ass, so relax. I got this.” To emphasize what he just said, Jaebum even smacked my butt lightly.

Feeling my cheeks and neck flush in embarrassment, I buried my face on the pillow to hide from him and jumped in surprise when I felt his lips on my back, his hand roaming and stopping at the bands of my pants.

“Off,” Jaebum commanded as he unceremoniously removed my pants and boxers off my legs, exposing me completely to his hungry eyes. I shivered in a mixture of excitement and nervousness when he put his hands back on my skin, studying the planes and ridges of my body in closer inspection. I was about to be hypnotized by his ministrations when he suddenly took my cheeks apart and breathed close to my entrance.

“No! Stop!” I exclaimed, crawling away from his mouth that has almost come in contact with my ass. “Let me wash up first!” I explained, scrunching my nose to show my distaste at the gesture he was about to do.

“What? Why? You didn’t let me wash up a while ago!” he argued, hitting a good point because… okay that was actually true. Touche.

But my ass was a different issue! He could get sick from it.

“That was your dick. Now you’re about to dive deep into my ass and I have been working the whole day. At least wipe it with something!”

Jaebum scoffed in annoyance then, rolling his eyes in amusement before a small smile of amusement formed at the sides of his mouth.

“Fine! Such a diva,” he murmured, stomping his way towards the bathroom, emerging a few seconds later with a small wet towel on his hand, crawling back at my side to clean me up.

“I’ll do it,” I said, reaching for the towel which he immediately pulled away from me.

“Please be a good boy, Mark. You want me to fuck you, right?”

I hesitantly nodded my head, but not before I showed him some attitude by frowning and pouting in irritation of not being in control.

“This is so fucking embarrassing,” I whined softly, burrying my head in the pillows the moment I felt his hands on me again.

“I am going to wipe you now, stay still,” he commanded, hands promptly cleaning my entrance and sensitive skin. I suppressed a groan when I felt the tip of his finger almost on my entrance, opting to bite the pillow to hide my exhilaration. It took some time—the action of someone cleaning me up becoming sensual for me at that time.

“Ahh!” I screamed, more because of shock rather than pain, the sensation going straight to my abdomen when I felt Jaebum’s teeth sinking in my ass cheek, hardening and arousing me further.

I didn’t have too much time to mull about the sting Jaebum’s teeth left on my skin because he had already moved to my other cheek, lapping it tentatively, his tongue wet and hot on my highly sensitive skin that’s feeling both pleasure and pain.

“Hnnnggg…” I couldn’t help but moan aloud, the sound of my voice unfamiliar to me as he continuously traced my skin with his god gifted mouth.

“Okay?” he asked breathlessly, still making sure I was fine in between my bouts of just cumming when he started making out with my ass.

“Yeah,” I whispered, my voice just as breathless as his.

Jaebum then parts my cheeks with his thumbs, sinking into my heat with his nose and tongue, eliciting a soundless scream from me. I felt like I was going crazy—I didn’t know which to do first since I had the strong desire to crawl away from his tongue because it made me hyper aware of everything but at the same time, I also wanted to push myself against him, to bury his face deep into my center so I could feel more.

Jaebum got me wanting and needing like a classic wanton.

“Please,” I sobbed, blindly grabbing his hair in my desperation to hold on to something or else I will spiral down.

“Not yet, Mark. I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, slipping his hands and mouth away from me completely, making me whine in the process.

“Jaebum…”

“Hands on your sides. Come on,” he reminded, making me grit in frustration as I scrambled on the blankets. On cue, I felt his hand back on my hips, gripping it tightly so I couldn’t move away the moment he started to tease my hole with his finger. It’s slick and wet, probably from the lube he stashed from his pocket. He continued to do that, spearing me with his finger—one, two, three, twisting and turning, hitting my sweet spot that got me shaking intensely.

“Please, Jaebum. I need more,” I cried out mindlessly, going totally out of my mind with how needy I had started to be. The desperation making me a mess.

Jaebum roughly grabbed my chin to turn my head just enough for us to kiss. The action a bit challenging with our positions but I took what I could, given the boldness I was feeling running through my veins.

Then he took a break to gaze at my heavy lidded eyes, staring at me like he’s asking for something, and when it seemed like he found what he’s looking for, he took a condom and immediately sheathed his hardened cock, holding my ass while his other hand’s gripping my nape tenderly.

“Tell me if I’m hurting you,” he whispered just as the tip of his length abruptly entered me, the intrusion impalling my body completely.

I bit my lip to muffle my screams of pain that’s numbing my lower back and making me thrash on the bed. I only felt relief when Jaebum started to play with my nipples and cock, the pleasure distracting me from the sting.

“So good,” he whispered directly at my ear, his hot breath now an added texture to drive me insane, overwhelming my already aroused body. It wasn’t long when he was buried deep inside me, balls deep and filling me to the brim; just what I wanted. And he started moving, slow and sensual, the details of his length leaving trails of itself in me.

He was building my body up in excruciating effort that got me shooting towards the highest pedestal, keeping me there to anticipate an exciting fall.

I felt him bite my shoulder, the speed of his thrust slam, slam, slamming behind me, keeping the pace of my desire well fueled until I felt the familiar coil of my climax at the pit of my stomach.

“I—I’m coming! I’m—” I stammered deliriously, writhing on the blankets and holding on Jaebum’s arm as he jerked me off faster and synchronised his thrusts with his hand. It took just a few seconds for me to shoot white stripes of semen on the blankets, smearing on my chest and his hand.

“Ahh! Mark, shit!” Jaebum groaned not long after, his thrusts becoming erratic until I felt him went taut behind me, his grip leaving indentation on my skin.

We took a few minutes to catch our breaths before Jaebum pulled out from me completely and rolling over the other side of the bed so he could put off his weight from me. I was beat, but I also felt sated and relaxed, my nerves now buzzing lightly with euphoria.

“So, I guess we really are fuck buddies now, huh?” Jaebum asked me, his voice cool and unbothered as always, before he snaked his arm around my waist and hugged me from behind, his mouth close to my neck and breath fanning my jaw. I felt myself stiffen at the action, the million possibilities of what that entailed running like a whirlwind in my head.

_This is dangerous_ , I thought quietly, shrugging my shoulders to feign nonchalance when in reality I was already panicking and overthinking. It was starting to get complicated and all the rules and boundaries I gave myself were being crossed by none other than me; kind of frustrating since Jaebum wasn’t even doing anything.

_It was all me. This was all on me._

_This is dangerous_ , I told myself again as Jaebum’s warmth seeped through my body, lulling me to sleep and turning everything to blank.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that being said, Chapter 5 will be posted next weekend, along with Chapter 6. Mark’s making a mess of things already, how are you guys doing? Holding up better than Mark, I bet? Haha!
> 
> Thank you for reading this. I appreciate all of your interest in the things I make. Your comments and kudos still make me blush. I love all of you!
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	5. 2/14

I never really understood the magnitude of how fucked up I will be until everything got too intimate, too friendly and too easy going between me and Jaebum. It’s like a tide had washed away all of his inhibitions and he just treated me like he… _liked_ me. It’s not that I was being presumptious but the way he was to me was totally different from how we were before I slept with him.

He’s more attentive now and more touchy. Like that next night we met again, Jaebum picked me up from work, insisting that it’ll be more convenient to meet that way since I didn’t have to go back to my apartment and wait for him there. A first since we didn’t really want to draw attention should one of my clients sees us—but it seemed like he didn’t care about that anymore.

The moment I sat at the passenger seat, he took one of my hands from my lap and held it the whole time he was driving, even kissing it at one point that got me bothered and giddy at the same time. I was afraid to call him out on it because it might sound like I was accusing him of having feelings for me but… isn’t that what’s happening?

Isn’t that what he was doing?

His random behavior didn’t stop there, Jaebum had also started to send me messages in the middle of the day, recommending songs and movies he watched that he thought I would enjoy. He would also react to my Instastories, making sure to annoy the heck out of me everyday.

The mixed signals he was sending were building up the feelings I would soon have for him and I was so furious at myself for not putting an end to it the moment I had realized it happening. Maybe it was my fault; for being too proud and arrogant that I won’t fall for anything or maybe it was his; for being extremely lovable and being effective with his charms—maybe it was both of us that fucked up that supposedly easy setup we had going, but either way, we should have talked about it before everything went spiralling down instead of skirting around it and giving false hopes for a better ending.

“You’re really hot. How come you still don’t have a boyfriend?” Jaebum asked me, just right after we broke apart from another orgasmic sex. I was in the middle of catching my breath then, Jaebum playing with my hair as I lay sideways on the bed but still facing him. I chose to laugh to hide my giddiness from being called hot and punched him in the chest lightly.

“Stop pulling my leg, you insufferable flirt,” I said.

“What?” Jaebum asked, chuckling mischievously at me. “I wasn’t flirting. I was just asking since it’s unbelievable for someone like you to be single.”

My brows furrowed in confusion. “ _Someone like me?_ What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well… you are extremely alluring at first. Are you even aware of that?” he answered, folding his arms and laying his head on it.

“I am?” I asked back, growing more confused as to what he just said.

Jaebum glanced at me again, smiling in amusement.

“Yeah. You have this… this regal air in you that pushes people away at first glance. It’s like you’re unapproachable but not so bad to look at since you’re extremely good looking. It’s like you don’t want me to approach you but you also make me want to try regardless if I’d look stupid or not after.”

I pouted. “I’m not good looking. I think I’m average.”

Jaebum scoffed at that, rolling over the bed to face me sideways and mirroring me.

“I have said quite a lot and that’s the only thing that registered to you?” he chuckled. “You’re handsome, Mark. And it’s surprising to know you’re not being asked out, like all the time.”

“Well believe what you want to believe but it’s true. I am average and if I wasn’t, someone should have at least tried to get to know me for the past seven years but then again no one really did. Besides, not everyone should be in a relationship, you know?”

“Or it could be that you were just scared of the commitment and steered away from it very well,” he challenged, snaring my eyes in his.

I smirked. “You can say that I am. But is that a bad thing? At least I’m not giving anyone false hopes for a happy ending.”

“But what if someone wanted to really be with you? You still won’t try?”

I shrugged my shoulders again, this time with genuine confusion. “I don’t know. To be honest I am contented with just this…” I trailed off, pointing at us to prove a point.

Jaebum nodded his head then, sighing deeply as he rolled over his back again to stare at the ceiling. It had been a comfortable silence after that, the two of us mulling about our own shit like usual. There was just the sound of the tv playing in the background, some bubbly pop song filling our quiet spaces like liquid on a crater.

It was broken when all of a sudden Jinyoung’s new drama trailer came on, my friend’s honey voice filling the room.

It was like a switch had been flipped on and whatever thing Jaebum and I have started dissipated in the air. And I should have just shut my mouth and should have kept the curiosity away, but I guess I wanted to do it then to end all the budding feelings I was starting to feel.

_End the budding feelings, huh? Oh boy, was I so wrong about that._

“So, I was meaning to ask this for quite some time now,” I started, catching Jaebum’s attention that’s very focused on my best friend’s perfect crying face on the television.

“Hmm?”

“Do you like Jinyoung?” I asked, straightforwardly and without any preemptive notion to go beating around the bush. Like, what’s the point? The moment I saw his eyes averted mine—I knew.

_Gotcha!_

If I will be honest, I would have shown what my heart felt that night but I dug myself deeper into that shit by chuckling nonchalantly, even clapping my hands in glee to cover the nasty grimace I buried under the smile on my lips.

“I knew it! You like Jinyoung!” I finally breathed out after my bouts of nervous laugh passed. Jaebum scratched his neck in a sign of embarrassment, cheeks coloring as well. That was the first time I saw it, and it was adorable.

My heart clenched and throbbed painfully when I realized that he blushed because of my friend and not even because of me.

Damn.

“He just captured my eyes. I mean, he’s utterly good looking and he has a wonderful aura around him that makes me want to hear him out everytime he talks. It seemed to me that he’s also very kind and passionate. It’s like when he wanted something, he’ll do everything to have it, _passionately_ ,” Jaebum explained, causing something heavy on my stomach to go down, down, down and settle at the deepest pit. I fought the urge to frown, instead I smiled wider, the sides of my lips probably twitching weirdly at one point.

“Why didn’t you ask him out? Why settle with me?”

Jaebum pursed his lips and shrugged. “I don’t think he’ll give me the time of the day because of his schedule. Besides, I wasn’t really at the right time to start a relationship and it seemed like he won’t do this friends with benefits thing so…”

I let him trail off, nodding my head in acknowledgment, realizing that there was the answer to my other question.

“How about you? You didn’t date Jinyoung at all? Or at least tried?” he asked this time, carefully studying my face that I now buried half on the downy pillow.

“Heck no,” I answered, adding, “We tried flirting once, when we just recently met. But,” I shivered at the memory of me trying to hook up with Jinyoung and only ending up talking about his weird sense of fashion. “We were just meant to be platonic. Jinyoung and I have this bond that I think goes way beyond romantic.”

“I see…”

After that we went back to the comfortable silence we got so used to and it was at that moment I first encounter the bitter, green-headed monster creeping at my veins and crippling me towards the bed. I could feel it overcoming me and wanting me to do something irrational.

But I didn’t let it come out.

I just let it fester inside. Until I die with it and ruin everything in its wake.

Looking back at it now, I wished I have told at least some part of how I felt, because maybe it would have saved me from this thing I was carrying in my heart.

And ultimately, maybe I would have had a chance… you know… with _him._

But I chose not to. So here we are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your words of encouragement and telling me that the first person POV has been working for you.
> 
> At first, I was really hesitant in doing this because it might put off some people since the idea of Mark telling it in his perspective might be too subjective and at times out of character, I mean there are possibilities of you hearing ME and not him anymore.
> 
> And I know this is not perfect and I still got moments wherein I wasn’t able to portray Mark as much as I could have with the other method but still, this is an enjoyable process and I couldn’t thank you guys more for telling me your thoughts and letting me do this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	6. Push & Pull

With my budding feelings for Jaebum and his obvious disinterest in dating me, one would think I would just end things with him and leave the dangerous waters I was at. I have mentioned that I was calculating and logical, right? I am keen on making decisions and I always, if not, often keep to it.

But I thought, _where’s the fun in that?_

I have recently realized that when it comes to feelings, no one’s really safe.

Even to people like me who’s ultimately scared of it.

So there I was, continuously embedding myself in Jaebum’s life, letting him affect me with all of his random boyfriendly actions and being reminded that it was all for nothing when he’ll openly talk about his interest on my bestfriend or another person he thought was good looking.

It was a cycle I continuously find myself ever since I started dating. The guys who were interested in me, were at one point, initially interested in my friends and only settled with me because I was… I don’t know, available? Easy? The closest they could be with the one they really liked? I didn’t really ask anymore. They loved me eventually so I left it at that.

And as seen on Jaebum’s case, it seemed like the situation’s the same as well.

Finally being kind of sick of drowning by all things related to the said man, I had the bright (not really, it’s kind of dumb when I think about it later on) idea of fooling around with someone else.

And okay, I may have lied to Jaebum when I said no one really got interested in me for the past seven years, because there were people who tried but I have just rejected them at plain sight for I have no plans on being in a serious relationship. But although I wasn’t really into that, it didn’t mean that I haven’t really fooled with someone. I wasn’t entirely a saint, you know?

Jackson was a friend I met when I first got into South Korea. He’s a trainee back then and just about to start his debut with an upcoming Kpop group. He’s from Hongkong and he got scouted when he took a vacation in Seoul. We were introduced by a stylist director I worked with, who also referred me to be Jackson’s group’s assistant stylist for their debut.

The moment I saw him I knew something’s different, with the way he would look at me and how long his touches would stay on my skin. I let him skirt around me like that for a while, before I called him out and found about his interest in men. Turns out he’s a closeted gay hiding in being brusque and athletic.

A total secret since he’s now a celebrity and he’ll catch a hell fire if it goes out in the open that he’s interested in guys.

Totally fine with me since I wasn’t really into the whole PDA thing. As much as I could, I want everything private and to be strictly behind closed doors.

We haven’t really gotten into the whole sleeping part despite seeing each other for about a year. And Jackson said he only sleeps with people he dates and since I didn’t want to date even that time, he got contented with just hanging out with me and sometimes making out when things got heated between us. Yet we stopped at some point, for what reason? I wasn’t really sure anymore. Maybe we weren’t really meant to be together that way. So from then on, we just stayed very good friends, no longer fooling around.

But now, I needed Jackson as more than a friend—a distraction from my _current_ _distraction_  which he gladly agreed.

“So, you missed me?” Jackson asked, bringing me back to the present time. I was stradling him then, we’re at his sofa, making out the moment I stepped into his place. I talked to him about the setup I wanted, that all I needed was just one night and nothing more. He was cool with it, as Jackson always was. He’s never the clingy type although he’s hella clingy as a friend. I trusted him to not fall for me and he trusted me to keep things between us forever.

Jackson was familiar, cozy and his smell brings me back to comfortable memories. He didn’t spark any fuzzy feelings when he touches my skin. Of course, I was still being aroused but unlike the sensations I was having when I’m with Jaebum, with Jackson all I could think about is myself and not the dangers of catching feelings.

“I did. You were gone for half a year and I was lonely,” I whined, kissing his forehead in affection.

I heard him scoff, the smile evident on his voice though when he said, “Yeah, right. For all I know you have been fooling around with someone else instead of waiting for me…”

I didn’t mean to freeze at his words and show a slight reaction to what he said. However, it had hit close to home that caused me to gasp and stare at him curiously.

I honestly thought he knew something—about me and Jaebum. Such a shame that he was just pulling my leg and testing my reactions. So when I did that, Jackson’s eyes widen in realization and he shook his head.

“Fuck me! He really did find someone else while I am gone. Wow, Mark! Here I was thinking I was special.”

“Shut up!” I snapped, giving him a slight slap before burying my face at his neck and sighing deeply to breathe in his scent. “I was just… _lonely_ …” I said once again, my words bringing in another connotation.

When I felt his arms around my waist tightening, I knew that Jackson understood me completely. “I know. And I’m sorry I wasn’t with you when it all happened,” he whispered to my ear.

I sighed, shaking my head lightly. “You were busy with the tour and I was in L.A. then. You couldn’t help it.”

“But still,” he argued, hugging me tightly. After a beat, he asked, “How’s your dad and siblings?”

“Dad is infintely sad of course,” I told him, my head still buried in the juncture of his neck and shoulder. “He’s always checking on me since I’m the one away from home. Tammy’s crying everytime we’ll talk about it, so were my nieces while Grace and Joey were dealing it with a smile, saying at least mom’s no longer in pain.”

“And you? You were dealing this how?” Jackson asked, petting my head now.

I shrugged my shoulders in response, not really sure how to start and what to even tell him—whenever people asked me how I was doing, I honestly didn’t know what to say.

Jackson saved me the energy by asking, “So this guy… who’s he?”

“ _Someone_ ,” I mumbled, playing coy so we could continue staying in this topic instead of the other.

“Hmm…” I heard Jackson hummed, rocking me sideways now. “Do I know him?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so,” I said, just realizing how little I know of Jaebum and his circle of friends. All I knew was he’s a music producer, working at a well known entertainment agency which got him to knowing Youngjae.

Aside from that, the rest of the things I knew were his body and what he wanted me to do to him—nothing else. I was actually doing a really good job in distancing myself away from him. If only I stayed clear of catching feelings things would have been great still.

“I don’t know a lot of things about him, to be honest,” I said on his skin, feeling a bit drowsy from his warmth.

Jackson whistled then. “Seems like a shady guy to me,” he joked, earning a pinch from me that had him howling in pain. “Ouch! What the hell was that for? I was just telling the truth. You don’t know about him but you’re doing things with him.” Pouting, Jackson also added, “Whatever, just be careful of yourself, Mark.”

“I won’t get killed, don’t worry,” I muttered softly, chuckling when he tried to pinch me back.

“That’s not what I was just telling you to take care of,” he said, sulking.

“Then what else?” I asked, playing coy still. He looked down exasperatedly from me then, sighing deeply at my feign ignorance.

“You can act like this doesn’t mean a thing but there would be feelings if you continue this, Mark. But if you’re really determined just don’t catch feelings because once it does, it’s gonna start hurting.”

I kept mum at that, opting to just hum my approval as if it didn’t go straight to the target, yet deep inside I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. It was so frustrating how messy everything had started to become. It was like one moment I had everything under control and then in just a flicker of a moment it will all unravel in front of my eyes.

What even frustrated me more was the meeting with Jackson produced feelings of ultimate guilt after.

It’s as if I cheated on Jaebum when in reality, if someone looks at our setup, it wouldn’t merit me any infidelity as there was no relationship to begin with.

But I guess my friend was right... once you catch feelings it’ll start hurting—and hurting for Jaebum, for myself or for both of us I started feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s Jackson Wang to those wondering where he will be in this whole story. Ahaha!
> 
> Again, thank you for reading. See you next weekend. :)
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	7. Cannonball

I honestly think that the universe probably hates me. I think it was because of my mischievousness as a child when I pranked my siblings and sometimes my parents. Or maybe when I had become too stubborn when I wouldn’t eat my veggies or do my homework on time. For all of these unruly behaviors, I am now reaping the consequences because of one man—Im Jaebum.

You see, protecting my heart in the midst of my ongoing confusing feelings for him was hard to keep, especially when he’s acting like he genuinely cared for me 90% of the time.

Meeting him again and having sex was no longer the same because I would always expect him to cuddle me after and put every meaning on his lingering touches that wouldn’t have really meant something, if I would think about it deeply.

We were dancing in a music that only I could hear which led me to having my foot being stepped on so many times by him.

Do I mind?

Well.

One afternoon, Jaebum randomly sent me a message asking me to hangout, which of course I agreed on. And yes, I know, I know the dangers of hanging out with him would do, but look how stupid I was risking it just because of my greed.

Or lust?

I don’t know anymore.

I spent the whole day at work being excited about meeting him again since it had been a while. And although I felt guilty about the whole Jackson thing, I pushed the memory out of my mind in exchange of being intimate with a guy I was probably crushing on hard. My workmates, the hair stylist and other coordi-nims I was with started to notice the difference in my demeanor, how I would smile for no reason and would look lively despite the fear brewing at the bottom of my heart.

“You seem to be in love, Mark-ssi,” one of then told me.

Was I in love? Was I really falling for Jaebum? At that moment, I honestly didn’t know, I couldn’t even tell for sure since everything was confusing. But one thing’s for certain, I was charmed by him.

The whole day at work passed by excruciatingly slow, punishing my anxious and excited heart that couldn’t wait to see Jaebum again. I did everything to distract myself, even agreeing to play Uno cards with the Kpop group I styled that day, finding it enjoyable to joke around with younger people that seemed to have little to no problems in their minds.

I was envious of people like that—their singlemindedness that I somehow forgot how to be when I decided to leave my hometown in order to fulfill my big dreams.

I guess that’s what really happens when you start to become an adult and you’re thrust into the reality of how hard it was to live alone and to survive. When I was younger, I honestly thought it was enjoyable to be independent and leave your comfort zone, oh how I wanted to turn back time and revel at least on those days my mom would ply me to sleep early and keep things slow.

Now, everything’s too fast and I don’t even know how to keep up.

By night, I was a ball of nervous energy for Jaebum wasn’t sending me any message confirming if we’re still going to meet or not. He’s also unusually quiet in social media, not updating on his Instagram or Twitter feed. He was supposed to meet me by 9PM and in the history of us seeing each other for three months, Jaebum has never been late, or if he will be, he’ll inform me through a quick text or call. Yet that night he didn’t really texted, my phone stayed silent.

I could have just went home and shrug it off, I know. It’s pretty obvious that I got stood up but a part of me was genuinely worried about him, which later on made me stay longer, standing still in front of the building while biting my lip in anxiety.

One more minute turned into five more minutes until I was standing there close to midnight.

I fidgeted on my phone, checking for the nth time if my previous message was answered but to no avail. I was about to call when I saw his familiar figure walking towards the glass doors. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw him waved at me, a small smile on his lips.

“Sorry, I’m late. Have you waited long, Mark?” he asked me, his face unusually flushed and sweaty but lips pale.

I frowned at that, finding it weird that something seemed off with him. While Jaebum wasn’t like Bambam who donned on wearing make up, his face never looked patchy and pale. At times, he would always have color at least on his lips. I walked towards him to meet him halfway, noticing that it wasn’t my imagination—he looked quite sick.

I couldn’t help but fuzz over him, throwing my pride out of the window as I stepped over his private space. “Why do you look so pale?” I asked, the same moment I placed my palm on his forehead to check his temperature which was hot and burning, it surprised me that he could still walk, at least stand straight in such a state. “Holy shit, Jaebum! You’re burning! Why the heck did you even come here? You should go home now and rest,” I admonished, holding his arm when I saw him staggered a bit towards me.

His eyes turned glassy then, but his smile was intact, in fact it widened when he saw me up close. He held my cheek tenderly, chuckling before he glanced back at my eyes.

“I wanted to see you. I missed you,” he said, tugging something in my heart and sending a continuous zap of energy all over my body.

I felt my knees weaken, rendering me speechless because Jaebum shouldn’t be saying things like that. He shouldn’t be planting ideas into my head and turning everything upside down. I was managing my feelings the best way I can but why does he always find a way to had me reeling?

_I couldn’t let this continue to happen. I have to end this… soon._

“You’re being delirious because of your fever.” I murmured, saying it more to myself than Jaebum and I heard him chuckled again, breaking my stupor and bringing me back to reality.

Being more clearheaded and less shaken, I finally had the courage to drag Jaebum out of the building, guiding him towards the parking lot wherein I easily (luckily) saw his car parked not far from the entrance. The idiot even drove with a burning fever and managed to park properly.

_He’ll go over these lengths just to get laid?_

“Keys?” I asked him once we’ve reached his car, holding my hand out for him to pass me his car keys. He looked even more disoriented this time, his head lulling sideways like he’ll pass out any moment. Realizing that it’ll get us nowhere if I wait for him to do it himself, I decided to get the keys from his pocket, a hard thing to do since he’s wearing a pair of tight jeans and the pockets were deep.

After a few bouts and struggles, I managed to get his keys and opened his car doors, guiding Jaebum to carefully sit on the passenger seat before I took the driver’s. It was weird, seeing him sit there while I get myself comfortable on the other side, revving the engine on to take him home.

_Home. Shit. I don’t know where he lives,_ I thought, face palming when I realized.

“Jaebum?” I asked, turning to him only to see him already passed out, his head leaning on the window and mouth slack. He was so out of it that he wasn’t even able to put his seatbelt on.

“What have you been doing for you to get sick like this?” I muttered irritably, reaching for the seatbelt and putting it around him to keep him safe. His eyes fluttered open and he gave me a silly smile, softening my resolve a little.

“I haven’t slept for a week. Work’s too much,” he murmured.

“What’s your address?” I asked, earning a vague answer of him pouting like a petulant kid.

“I don’t want to go home. I want to be with you, Mark,” he sing songed, voice hoarse and slightly off tune due to his fever. I rolled my eyes in exasperation and decided to just dig over his wallet for his ID. “Oh, you’re being too aggressive. You want to do this in the car?” he giggled, thinking I was feeling him when I pat down his back pockets.

I fought the urge to give him a huge bonk in the head, especially when he took my hand and hugged it close to his chest.

“Jaebum, I’m going to need my hand back. I’ll be driving,” I said, pulling it away.

He held onto it tightly. “No, I want this hand. It’s pretty. I like pretty things.”

“I will let you hold it but at least let me borrow it for a minute so I can get us moving,” I persuaded him, earning me another whine. Jaebum could be really stubborn when he’s sick, it’s borderline annoying but… _adorable._

“I want pretty things and you’re really pretty, Mark… but pretty things don’t like me, why don’t pretty things like me? Why won’t you like me?” he started to slur, his grip on my hand going slack before he finally went back to sleep, his face in anguish which I figured was because of being sick.

I immediately drove then, following Jaebum’s GPS so I could take him home. When I reached the destination indicated, I couldn’t believe my eyes because the idiot was living in a huge apartment complex which I knew were only bought by rich people. Though it didn’t really look like he’s a shabby guy, Jaebum didn’t really indicate that he’s actually rich too. At most, I thought he was just a middle class person, not too poor but not rich as well. Maybe being a producer really has its perks.

Taking the last struggle of almost carrying and convincing Jaebum to wake up so he could type in his security code, I had finally laid him on his bed and removed him from his sweat drenched clothes in exchange for clean ones I found in his walk in closet. Kind of a weird experience since I had seen him in just his underwear quite a lot of times before, but seeing him in such a vulnerable state had my heart clenching painfully in my chest.

__

_Doesn’t he have someone to take care of him here? Does he really live alone?_ I couldn’t help but ask, now opening cabinets in search of something light to feed him. In such a huge house, I only saw a packet of instant porridge and an egg but aside from that, the whole space was bare.

It was a sad sight to see.

I managed to cook the porridge and egg to perfection, a talent I acquired from living alone in a foreign country. It was also a good thing that I was a stylist since it requires for my job to sometimes bring necessities like first aid and simple cold and flu meds so it wasn’t hard for me to tend to him.

“Jaebum?” I called out, patting his shoulder so he would wake up. I saw him tried to open his eyes slowly to focus on me. “Could you sit for a while, please? I will feed you some porridge so you could take medicine.”

“Hurts,” he whined, holding his head which I patted softly then, hoping that it’ll help ease the pain. “And it’s cold…” he whispered soon after, shuddering.

I immediately covered him with the duvet, doubling it with a thick blanket I dug from his closet. It helped in easing him from the cold but Jaebum, I have found out, tends to become a clingy person when he’s sick. “Could you hug me, please?” he asked, hands grabbing my wrists and eyes, although droopy, were pleading.

You know, I tried hard. I bit my lip and shook my head at first because doing this act of kindness would only bring me deeper into the pit, but seeing him looking so forlorn and in pain had me relenting eventually.

I wish I had more strength to say no to him.

My heart was beating so hard in my chest as I crawled close to his body, lying on his side and hugging him from outside the fort of blankets I wrapped around him. I could feel his heat as I embraced his body from behind, fighting the urge to kiss his hair tenderly for I find our positions very compromising for my fragile heart.

I stayed like that until he fell asleep, the chills and his temperature coming down to normal by morning time. He went in and out for the whole night and I must have changed his clothes twice, keeping him fresh from sweat.

When I was sure that he was fine, with a glass of water and medicine placed on his bedside table and a freshly delivered porridge on his dinner table, I instantaneously walked out of his apartment unit and hailed a cab going home. That was it for me. I couldn’t stay because it wasn’t right to subject myself in such situation wherein I knew I wouldn’t have a chance to win.

He liked my bestfriend for fuck’s sake. How will I ever win against that? I already lost even though my feelings haven’t really started turning yet.

And it must have been pathetic—a grown ass man at the back of a cab at 5AM in the morning looking like he did the walk of shame, shed a tear that he tried to mask with his hand. I was just lucky the sun wasn’t up yet and it was relatively dark inside so the driver didn’t really judge me or something.

Just when I thought I had no longer capabilities of fucking things up, there I was crying and fighting the last strand to keep up my pride.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it is my birthday and I figured it would be a good idea to drop this chapter now to _celebrate_! Thank you for all of your comments and kudos! It means a lot to me.
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	8. Pause

I think am in love with Im Jaebum.

There, I said it.

I finally admitted it.

Happy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you on Sunday for the next update.
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	9. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

The next two weeks that passed by were too busy for me and Jaebum to see each other again, giving me room to breathe and to assess the situation. Everyday that I would think about it, there was only one conclusion to my dilemma; and that was to cut things off with him before it went spiralling down the drain.

But damn, it was easier said than done.

My calculating and proud self couldn’t just blurt out the reason why I wanted an out, because in Jaebum’s nature, I was sure as hell that he will assume why. So I stalled and waited for a perfect opportunity to do it; having the decency to cut things off in person because doing it over the phone seemed tacky—and cowardly, which, I believe I was not.

Such irony, wasn’t it?

So I let the Christmas and New Year pass by, the festivities and merriment of the season almost stiffling as I try to match it with as much gusto as the next person. I also had the chance to go back to L.A., albeit just a few days to visit my dad that seemed to be falling in a depressing state from my mom’s passing. I didn’t honestly know how to cheer him up, I mean, how do I cheer up someone who just lost a half of him?

_I couldn’t even figure out how to get out of my own hell to begin with._

But despite his grief, my father has shown me that he could find ways to joke around when he asked me when will I bring a boyfriend to introduce to the family.

“I just want all of you to have someone you could lean on, _Yien._ ‘Cause I am sure Mama won’t be happy to know I am letting you all grow old alone. You know how she is,” he said, chuckling as he gazed on her photograph, placed just beside her urn.

I blinked back the tears forming in my eyes, finding it ironic that he’s wanting me to find someone to be with when he’s alone himself. What’s the use of promising forever when you won’t be able to keep it anyway?

Going back to South Korea has been harder after that. It was like I wanted to stay back home with my dad so he wouldn’t feel like he’s left alone, but at the same time I wanted to run away far from there, because facing it everyday and seeing my mother’s absence would only wreck me.

At least if I was away, I could just pretend that she’s just there, in her kitchen cooking my favorite soup or watching Korean dramas in the family den with Joey’s dog… and that I could always go back to her.

I could pretend and keep running away, like I was doing with everything in my life.

Avoiding a fuck buddy who is a friend of a friend could be really difficult to do. There was always the element of surprise, like one moment you thought you’re doing good in dodging the bullet and the next thing you know you’re being shove right in front of him, no longer capable of turning around to run away.

It was around first week of January that I have seen Jaebum in person again, healthy and no longer pale. It was supposed to be a simple get together with Jinyoung and our other friends, a New Year party of some sorts but it all blew up in different directions when one friend invited another friend who invited another friend… and I’m sure you know what happened. And as much as I wanted to bail and leave them alone, I couldn’t. Jinyoung had me hostage because of _something_ I owed him.

“You can’t go home! You need to pay for your sins.”

“Oh god, you’re being overdramatic. I said I was busy!” I exclaimed, exasperated by my friend’s antics and pettiness.

“Overdramatic? You still haven’t seen my drama. I can’t believe that my own friend would do that to me! I trusted you!” said Jinyoung, proving to be dramatic by creating quite a scene in front of our other friends. I only respond by rolling my eyes in annoyance as I sat on the couch, beer in my hand.

“You’re creating a drama right now, so considered me acquited by watching this unfold with my own two eyes,” I replied, earning me a kick on the shin. “Ow!”

“Serves you right! What the hell have you been up to that made you skipped my drama, which for your information if you forgot, I was given the lead role for the first time?”

“I told you, I was busy with work,” I supplied patiently, smiling at Youngjae who’s sitting a few feet away from me while he’s talking to someone on his phone.

Thick brows furrowed and lips pursed, Jinyoung suddenly blurted, “Are you seeing someone?”

I really thought I will have a heart attack from the sudden inquiry, good thing I wasn’t drinking or else I would have spat the liquid out of my mouth, worse, my nose. I quickly glanced back at him.

“What? No! I was just busy with work,” I mumbled, the lie flowing easily on my lips the same time I avoided eye contact to take a swig of my beer to hide my nervousness.

I could feel Jinyoung’s eyes on me, felt it squinting and turning into his signature icy glaze that burned my skin. I expected him to fire off into a dramatic tirade but I was saved when a new group of people came inside the VIP area.

“Oh! Hyung! I’m glad you came! Happy Birthday, by the way!” my friend exclaimed, forgetting his issues with me in exchange of seeing another familiar face. Now, I should have been happy to be left alone but my rejoicing was cut short when I looked up and saw Jaebum glancing down at me, back to his usual outfit of ripped jeans and leather jacket, gleaming under the strobe lights. He looked healthy, a million miles away from that guy that’s clinging onto me like a bear while shuddering from the cold almost a month ago.

The trace of the vulnerable man in white tee and boxers that yearned for me could no longer be seen and I ached knowing I wouldn’t be able to see him like that again.

_As if it was a fluke and I just dreamed of everything._

I gave him a tight smile and a timid wave, acting like I was awkward around him since he’s supposed to be a  _stranger._

Ha ha.

Stranger my ass.

_And did I hear it right? It was his birthday? I had no idea, like I had no idea about the rest of his shit._

It made something inside my chest burn, dripping and leaving my stomach heavy and crippling me from the place where I sat.

The green creature slowly peeked again, unconsciously making me frown and turn away from Jinyoung who was giving Jaebum a friendly hug. When they broke apart, the latter gave me a nod, a ghost of a smirk forming on his lips as he sat beside me, innocently spreading his arm behind the sofa, his fingertip just a breath away from my nape.

I internally shuddered when I felt it graze my skin for a millisecond, as if testing the circumstances.

 _What is he trying play this time?_ I asked myself, glancing quickly at him and then my friends, who luckily at that time were busy chatting away, unsuspecting of Jaebum and I.

I took a sip of my beer, hiding the color spreading over my skin as I felt his hand now cupping the back of my head and his fingers threading my scalp. I fought the urge to close my eyes as he quietly massaged my head like that. Slowly, his hand traveled my shoulder, massaging its way on my body until it ended on my left hand, which he squeezed lightly as if saying _hello._

“So, hyung,” Jinyoung called him out suddenly, causing the both of us to break apart, Jaebum facing my friend while I stood up to walk away like nothing happened. I left the VIP area as quickly as I could but not before I heard Jinyoung thanking Jaebum for sending him a food truck as celebration for his drama’s last day of shooting.

I went in circles then, hopping from one group to another and pretending to be enjoying the night when I feel anything but. It took me just an hour to take shots of alcohol like it’s water, my hand becoming a stream of bottles that I kept emptying no matter what was given to me. I drank until I felt the familiar buzz humming at my ears and making everything funny.

Roaming around the bar, I finally got to see Jackson and Yugyeom as well, making me feel relieved for the first time knowing there was someone else I could stick myself with that were not close to Jaebum. We spent most of the time drinking and dancing together, Jackson even telling me the good news that he was dating someone and that it was actually getting serious.

“Really, Jacks, I’m happy for you. Congratulations!”I told him, clinking my glass against his bottle as a toast. My friend smiled gratefully at me before clearing his throat.  
  
“So, how about you, Mark? Will you tell me who amongst this stream of men you are fooling around with?” my friend asked me, mischievous eyes glinting, just when I was about to take the shot of tequila. I looked at him then I shook my head.

“He’s not here,” I lied, swallowing the liquid and letting it burn my throat in payment for my deceptions. Jackson chuckled teasingly at me in response.

“Oh yeah? I don’t quite believe you though,” he muttered, giving me a knowing smile that made my skin prickle.

“What do you mean?” I asked and Jackson readily pointed at my mouth.

“That. You kept biting your lip as if you’re on edge,” he explained, taking a quick sip of his beer and popping some chip in his mouth. Munching loudly while his hand’s under his chin, he added, “And for some reason, that guy in leather jacket keeps shooting daggers at me. I felt like I must have died a thousand times already.”

Turning around to where Jackson’s facing, I’ve seen Jaebum, standing a few feet away from us and beside him was Youngjae and his other producer friends, talking animatedly. I caught Jaebum’s eyes then, shocking me to the core when he looked unusually serious and smothering, gaze switching from me and then Jackson.

Puzzled, I turned my back from him, choosing to glance back at Jackson and punching him in the arm. “That’s no one. We’re not even close,” I supplied, my words tasting bad on my mouth.

My friend laughed again, shrugging his shoulders condescendingly as he finished his beer. We didn’t talk about Jaebum after that, but whatever my friend told me had my senses hightened up from Jaebum’s gazes.

I somehow felt it palpable the deeper the night went.

Around midnight, we were gathered (read: forced) by Jinyoung and Youngjae to sit at the couches to sing Happy Birthday for Jaebum, a cake surprisingly prepared by the two to celebrate the latter’s birthday. I swallowed the envy that’s crawling in my veins, making me look utterly pathetic as I buried my face against Jackson’s wide back while he sat on my lap since the space was tight for everyone to fit in.

“Happy Birthday to you,” the rest of the party sang, a little off tune and silly. I watched as Jaebum closed his eyes to make a wish, then consequently blowing the candles to make it come true.

To be honest, it was that moment that I must have wanted to be closer to Jaebum than I could ever be. Like doing simple and trivial things such as throwing him birthday parties and stuff. I envy my two friends because they could cling onto Jaebum in public, joke around with him and probably date him—unlike me who had an agreement to always be discreet with my association with him. I couldn’t even greet him properly, because there would always be the danger of being caught and I was sure as hell that he didn’t want that.

I don’t know if I even liked that…or the things that will happen after that.

“What did you wish for?” I heard Jinyoung asked, spiking a curiosity I didn’t know I have for someone else’s birthday wish. Everyone looked expectantly at the man of my affections while he looked around, eyes landing on me.

He gazed at me knowingly, the same look he gave me when he told me about liking pretty things.

I held my breath then.

“I just wished for the person I like to be happy,” he said softly, eyes now back at Jinyoung, gaze fond and tender.

_I thought so._

I let out my breath and the dam of feelings I kept at bay seemed to break at that moment, making my heart burst at the seams from all the pain I was trying to endure ever since the night started.

“Jacks?” I whispered softly, my friend turning rigid at my voice. “I’m sorry, but could you bring me home? I think I’m a bit drunk.”

“You okay?” he inquired, genuinely concerned and surprisingly sober. I nodded my head in response, too afraid to even speak. “Okay. Let’s get out of here,” he said soon after, standing up and offering his hand to let me up.

However, the sudden motion got me dizzy, almost impaling my legs that had me sagging back towards the cushion. A pair of sturdy arms caught me though, holding my waist firm to help me stand upright. I looked at Jackson and was about to thank him when I realized that it wasn’t my friend who’s holding me.

I immediately looked back and came face to face with Jaebum, his breath hot on my cheek—so close yet so far. My whole body buzzed with excitement and it prickled in fear that he might find out.

“You’ve probably drank too much,” Jaebum mumbled, voice surprisingly tight.

I shook my head lightly, careful not to make too much movements in fear that it’ll make me dizzier. “I just stood up too fast. Thank you, though.”

“No problem,” he replied, smiling softly at me that didn’t look too innocent for bystanders to see. Before I could call him out, Jaebum asked, “Do you need a ride home? I could take you. I’m almost done here anyway.”

The earnestness in his eyes had my heart pounding loudly in my chest, making me panic which I covered by escaping towards Jackson who luckily at that time was perceptive enough to my actions, as he instantaneously put me against his body.

“You don’t need to,” I murmured, forcing a smile at him, wishing that my nonchalance would have been believable. “I live far away from here and if I remember it correctly, you and Jinyoung live close together, right?”

“Yeah. But—”

“Thank you for the offer though. Goodnight and Happy Birthday, Jaebum-ssi,” I hurriedly said, the words hot and uncomfortable on my tongue before I turned away, Jackson in tow.

I sprinted towards the exit, staggering when I thought I got a bit far. On cue, my head started to become dizzy again.

“Mark, wait!” I heard Jackson called out, catching my arm before I collapsed face first on the slippery concrete floor.

It took him a couple of minutes to situate me properly behind his back, tutting his tongue, as if he’s annoyed. “Oh, man! You got it bad for Mr. Leather, Mark. This idiot. I warned you about the feelings, didn’t I?”

Jackson teased, the smile obvious in his voice.

I buried my face at the juncture between his neck and shoulders, letting his familiar scent enveloped me in the midst of my heart breaking, hoping it’ll help ease the pain.

It did not.

“I haven’t catch feelings, Jacks,” I lied for the nth time that night, earning me another good-humored chuckle from my friend as he walked carefully in the chilly air and snow filled parking lot.

“Yeah, you haven’t catch feelings, alright,” he said, quickly adding, “Because you’re falling, Mark. And I’m sorry, bro… but there would be no saving you now.”

And I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to cry or laugh at that point because what Jackson said was true—there really was no saving me at that point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. I will forever (I think) thank you for all of the support you’re sending my way. Thank you for your birthday greetings as well! I enjoyed that day and I hoped you guys enjoyed the chapter I posted that time too! We’re actually halfway through the story and I wonder what you guys think? How do you think this will end? Let me know, I’m dying to hear your theories. Love you all!!!
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	10. Crying Over You

I woke up the next day with a massive headache and a serious case of bad breath. Being so shitfaced drunk last night had me going straight to sleep on Jackson’s sofa, foregoing anything else as I passed out. My good friend put it upon himself to look after me for the night since I was throwing up and crying at the same time outside the bar before we left, which had him worrying that I might drown on my own puke if he left me alone, so he took me to his place instead.

And there I was on a Saturday morning, a huge mug of black coffee on my hands while lounging at Jackson’s spacious living room with a borrowed set of high end sweatpants and sunglasses I copped from his walk in closet. My friend was beside me, having breakfast—a usual shake concoction of weird organic veggies he learned from some sunbae while watching a variety show on TV.

He offered me some of his shake and I politely (okay, I tried) declined, my nose all scrunched up in slight disgust.

“So, this guy... Jaebum? That’s his name, right? Does he know?” he suddenly asked, eyes albeit focused on the show.

Feeling my head still throbbing, I groaned at the inquiry.

_It’s too early for this shit._

“What do you mean? Does he know what?” I opted to answer, swallowing a gulp of my bitter and scalding coffee, hurting my throat.

“Your feelings for him? Did you guys talk about it at least?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “There’s nothing to talk about because we aren’t in this setup for a serious relationship. We’re just… fooling around,” I said, putting my mug down the coffee table consequently hugging my knees close to my chest. “Besides, if you haven’t noticed, he likes Jinyoung. It’s impossible to end up together like that.”

Jackson frowned, shaking his head in disbelief before releasing a deep sigh at my predicament.

“You know, Mark, for someone so picky, I am appalled to find that you still managed to pick the worst men,” he said, making me chuckle in amusement and feel lighter from my dilemma. “So what do you plan on doing now?” he then asked, making me release my own deep sigh, as I lay my head on his lap to ease the tension I could feel brewing in my body.

“Of course I should end whatever this is we have. I don’t want to subject myself in an inevitable heartbreak. I don’t—I don’t think I could take another when I just had a major one last year, you know?”

Jackson readily nodded his head, understanding me completely with what I have just said. Playing with my hair, he asked, “But… look, this is just a rhetorical question; what if he likes you back? What would you do then?”

I pursed my lips. “Don’t give me such ideas, Jacks. It’s not gonna happen.”

“Well, I’m just saying there are possibilities in life, man. You have to take that into consideration before deciding things.”

“So what do you suggest I do?” I asked, cutting him off midway.

“Uhm… tell him a fraction of what’s really happening to you, so he knows?” he supplied, making me roll my eyes.

“But it’s my feelings. I couldn’t make anyone become responsible for it. I entered this setup with clear understanding of where it should be. I know the rules, Jackson. I don’t want to seem like I’m weak.”

“And what part of falling for someone a weakness?” he asked, seemingly a little bit offended.

“I didn’t say confessing your feelings in general is a weakness, but my circumstance with Jaebum,” I defended, leaving the comfort of my friend’s warmth and leaning on the back of the sofa so I could face him. “Like, I shouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place, Jacks. But here I am. How could I tell him that without leaving the conversation as a total loser?”

“What I don’t understand is your pessimism towards his feelings for you. It bothers me because I saw how he looked at you. He didn’t seem to be someone _un_ interested.”

“Well, he’s interested in me. That’s for sure. We’re sleeping with each other remember?” I told matter of factly, earning me an eye roll from my friend.

“Whatever, man. It’s just a suggestion so you would have covered everything before leaving this… this…” he stalled, finding the right words to describe my relationship with Jaebum.

I chuckled and said, “setup.”

“Setup. But then, yeah, just do what will make you happy, Mark. I will be just here when you need me, okay?”

I nodded my head and smiled gratefully at him, Jackson’s innate kindness transcending through my body and leaving me overwhelmed. “Thank you,” I simply said, earning me a pat on my head.

“Anytime, man,” he replied, smiling brightly at me.

I left Jackson’s house by midday, having chased away by the asshole once he had made sure I was fine. His boyfriend was coming over his place and I have never seen him wanting to get rid of me so fast in my life.

“I don’t want you to feel like I hate you, but sorry, Mark, you look like shit and I just don’t want my boyfriend to think I did it.”

Laughing at his cowardice, I immediately booked a cab and went straight to my apartment, wherein after stepping in, I instantly took a cold shower and changed into my comfortable pyjamas, shutting the blinds and crawling onto my bed. I had spent the rest of the day sleeping.

By night time, I woke up hungry and disoriented. Being too lazy to even cook, I decided to just order food and set up Netflix as I passed time watching movies and series I missed out on for a while. It was a relatively quiet day for me, I was lounging alone and unbothered by the world. I must have been watching people from the television but my mind was reeling with things I had to do.

Well, I was doing that until my phone rang and I answered it without looking at the caller’s name.

“Hello?”

“Mark?” I heard a familiar honey voice asked on the other line, my heart leaping out of my ribcage at the sound.

I closed my eyes shut in a lame attempt to calm my nerves. It didn’t work.

“Yeah?” I answered, hoping my voice sounded as nonchalant as I wanted it to be.

I heard Jaebum sigh. “Thank god! I was trying to contact you last night but you weren’t answering. Have you gotten home alright?” he asked, confusing the heck out of me as I try to understand why my welfare suddenly concerned him.

“What? Hold on,” I told him, putting the call on hold while I rummage through my messages, which by the way were filled with text messages from Jaebum and some from my friends I left at the party, asking how I was doing and if I got home alright since Jaebum was asking.

I fought the urge to throw my phone in fear that this conversation will only lead to more confusing feelings. But I soldier on instead, feigning cheerfulness that’s totally non existent in my body in exchange of taking that opportunity of ending things with him in a decent manner.

“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry. I passed out as soon as Jacks took me to his place last night. And yeah, I’m home now. I’m sorry if I got you guys worried,” I mumbled.

“Oh… you were in his place. I see. It’s fine. I’m just glad you’re okay,” Jaebum said, his voice turning softer by each syllable.

There was a pregnant pause that fell between our lines, only our breathing and a soft sound of an RnB music filling the spaces our breaths couldn’t. When I already felt the awkward silence coming, I decided to break it.

“Uhm, hey Jaebum. I suddenly remembered that I need to talk to you about something,” I started, hearing him gasp on the other end, a sigh and then a “Yeah? What is it?” as a reply.

I looked around my apartment then, trying to distract myself before saying what I had to say. I tried to find for things that would make me relax so this conversation would end without any drama on both of our sides.

I honestly wanted to prolong my time, but I was feeling pressured at the sound of Jaebum’s steady breathing on my ear.

 _I eventually had to go and do this,_ I thought.

Finally finding my voice, I cleared my throat. “I want an out,” I managed to say, biting my lip as soon as the words came out.

I expected Jaebum to ask what happened, to be baffled or at least to be bothered by the idea that I just suddenly wanted to end things without prompt.

But did you know what they say about expectations?

It was always far from reality.

“Oh, alright. No problem,” he said, voice unbothered and unfazed by the news. I kept silent from then on, not knowing what to do next because from what I rehearsed in my mind, he will ask me the whys and the whats and I will answer it eloquently with my prepared profound speech and all that.

But he didn’t.

Jaebum did not care about those. He just cleanly said goodbye and hoped that we could still be friends despite the situation we had before everything ended.

I forced a chuckle out of my mouth, gritting my teeth as I agreed to stay friends with him despite the pain slashing my insides and probably leaving a crime scene just at the area around my left chest.

When I realized that he won’t say anything else, I decided to just end the conversation with him, hanging up the phone with a heavy heart and an equally heavy eyelids from the tears that were starting to form.

And there were two things I learned from that situation: first, lower my expectations, especially about the guys I fall in love with. Because a high percentage of the time, the opposite always happens. Second, Jaebum wouldn’t have feelings for me.

I was just another name carved on his bedpost and I helped him carved it deep in there like a fucking memorial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Uhh... Happy Valentine’s Day! :)
> 
> Anyway, I added 2 more chapters to complete this fic. I did another run through my outline and found the need to stretch it a bit more. What do you think will happen next? Thank you for reading this, guys!
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	11. Synthetic

Look, I never really meant to _feel_  anything for Im Jaebum. For the life of me, all I ever expected when we met was some tumble in the sheets and a lackluster night to be forgotten soon after. I needed a distraction and he happened to need some warm body to be next to him. A win-win situation, if you’d ask me.

We both entered that setup with clear understanding that anything that goes beyond physical was impossible; you know, the usual cliche shit. Yet I was just an idiot to even let my walls down for him. It may have been my situation that called for it or I may haven’t really been as strong as I thought I was.

Either way, I’m still fucked because here I am—helplessly and hopelessly thinking about him in the middle of the day when I should have been working my ass off instead.

_Fucking feelings._

I’m way more cliché than all of those things I used to call cliché. Just the mere fact that my mind kept coming back to Jaebum and recalling our short moments together like it were some mirage from a movie had me wanting to gag. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself from recalling it over and over in my head.

I missed him, terribly, you know?

And even though nothing seemed to change with us, since he still randomly sends messages or reacts on my social media posts like an attention whore that he was, being with Jaebum in this new way made me become reminiscent of the what-could-have-beens. Like in my mind, I try to imagine that the attention he gives me were because he also feels the same way as I did and not just a casual affection of a friend.

 _Friend._ Funny because I wasn’t even sure if we’re friends to begin with.

He didn’t even know me and I didn’t even know him.

The days passed by quickly, turning weeks to a month, making me another stranger from someone I thought would be a lover or at least a friend. I continued to work, call my family back in L.A. before going to sleep, party with my friends like the usual and hanging out by myself the next day—making the most of my Netflix subscription or gym membership.

I have come back to my usual routine pre-Jaebum. It was familiar but not as nice as it was when he’s with me.

One night, while I’m in the middle of binge watching a documentary series about fashion, I was interrupted by a notification from my phone. Now, I have to be honest, ever since I ended things with Jaebum, I would always feel a certain excitement when I would get a text, because I’m quietly hoping that it might be him, finally telling his feelings for me—if there was ever one to begin with.

It has been a month already and my inbox was just filled with his random jokes and series recommendations, no trace of feelings or confessions.

Until now.

 _I miss you,_ his message said, igniting something inside my chest that I have long suppressed everytime I’d receive a random message from him.

My fingers hovered on my phone, speechless and wordless from being overwhelmed.

 _What do I say to him to a message like that? Do I take it at face value or find deeper meanings hidden at every letter?_ I thought, feeling a little bit bothered by how familiar the question was as it was the same thing I asked myself the first time we actually talked like this. The usual calculating way I was didn’t sit well with me anymore, like I felt a shift in me and my perspective.

Maybe Jaebum really changed me a little. I found that I was less intense after I met him. And if I would be more honest, I became more lenient when it comes to my feelings.

 _Uhh… you okay?_ I chose to reply, since I wasn’t really sure if it was really meant for me or if he’s serious when he sent it.

While I was asking myself these questions, an instantaneous answer was given, _Yes. Can we talk? I miss talking with you, Mark,_ he said, softening my resolve and making me break into an involuntary bright smile.

We talked about simple things then, he asked me how I was doing, with work and with my friends, and consequently he told me about his own work, telling me how he was unable to go home for the last three days and that he probably stink.

In the midst of our conversation, I didn’t notice that it was actually past midnight and that we’ve already been talking for hours. And did you know what people used to say when it was the wee hours of the night? It tends to bring out the deepest and most profound way of a human mind.

Maybe that was why Jaebum suddenly asked, _Could you tell me why you’re so adamant into being in a serious relationship?_ surprising me as we were on the topic of dogs and cats then.

 _What the heck was that? From pet conversations to this?_ I sent back, trying to keep it light as I didn’t know what was on his mind when he sent me the question.

 _I was just curious,_ he simply said, confusing me but not really making me reel away from the possibility of opening up.

 _Why’d you ask?_ I asked, equally curious with his intentions.

 _I asked first,_ The idiot pointed out, adding, _You answer first and then I’ll tell you why afterwards._

I took a deep breath and thought about it. Was I really ready in opening up to Jaebum that time? I wasn’t sure, to be honest. So I opted to try and stall it a little bit.

 _It’s_ _a_ _long_ _story_ _though_. _And_ _boring_.

 _Pfft. Excuses. Excuses. We’re already here so might as well tell me, Mark,_ Jaebum teased, making me chuckle in amusement.

 _Okay. What do you want to know exactly?_ I asked, saying, _I don’t know where to start._

Jaebum replied a few minutes later, asking, _What happened to you? Why don’t you want to be in a relationship?_

Before I could send, _Just because,_ as a reply, Jaebum sent another message.

_And please don’t say, Just because. I know you only say that to make me shut up before._

Feeling rather attacked, I laughed and typed a quick reply then.

_Fine, I will tell you but give me a few minutes._

_Okay,_ he answered, adding a smiley face which was not in his personality.

I bit my lip as I stared at the empty message box for a long time. _Where do I even start? It’s quite complicated, my love life and why I turned out to be this way. Will he be able to understand?_ I thought.

Finding resolve in opening up once and for all. I started typing and letting my fingers tap away on my phone.

 _Uhh… I used to be a hopeless romantic. Like I believe in the whole concept of love; the whole idea of one person falling for another and having a happy ending. I was all for cliches and mainstream lovestories because I wanted it for myself. Quite ironic because my environment growing up wasn’t like that at all,_ I sent, not really sure how to say it without making it seem like my childhood was depressing.

My phone pinged before I could type in the next part of my story.

 _What do you mean? How was your childhood?_ his messaged asked.

I breathed in deep, recalling my past and all of its colorful memories. 

_Uhm… my parents weren’t exactly in good terms when me and my siblings were growing up. My mother would often catch my father cheating on her and it kinda went on for years. She’ll catch him and they will argue and then they will make up. And then she’ll catch him again and the cycle continues. I have gotten used to it so much that when they would fight, I will just stay inside my room and let it fizzle._

I sighed at the recollection, remembering how hard it was to see my mom crying all the time while I slowly resented my dad.

 _But they were okay now,_ I sent quickly, wanting to make sure that he knew. _When I was in my last year of high school, my father got over the whole cheating and realized that he really loved my mother. They eventually worked things out. I also forgave my father with what happened since I have seen him changed with how he treated mom, until the very last breath of her life. And I was also lucky that despite the situation at home, it didn’t affect my coming out to my parents since they took it wholeheartedly, no signs of disappointment or ridicule._

 _That’s great of your parents,_ I read him say, sending him a smiley back.

_I know right? They were great with the whole me being gay. Although I have to admit that my father took a little time to get used to it._

_So this whole thing with relationships? This is because of your parents?_ Jaebum asked, the same time I finally turned off the TV, knowing there’s no way I would continue watching it.

 _Yes. It was a factor,_ I typed, adding, _And so were my past relationships._

_What about your past relationships?_

I looked up at the ceiling, imagining how Jaebum looked like while he’s asking me these things. _Was he also like me who’s bothered or was he the usual chic guy that seemed to be unfazed by things? I bet my ass that he hasn’t really experienced being cheated on._ But then I remembered the story about that girl he used to date before we met.

_I wonder if he’s still thinking of her._

_Mark?_ He messaged back, calling my attention and making me realized that I have kept silent for a few minutes.

_Sorry. Well, going back to my story... I had my first boyfriend during my last year of Senior High School, I met this guy because of a friend. We went out for a while and I fell deeply in love with him. I eventually gave him my everything because it seemed to be the right time, you know? I was in cloud nine everytime I was with him._

_But?_ He supplied, being perceptive at my messages.

_But then, he eventually grew sick of me. Saying I was being too clingy already and he doesn’t want that. It broke me so much and confused the heck out of me because I wasn’t being clingy. He was the first guy I fell in love with and I just want us to be together. Isn’t that normal? I was a romantic, that’s how my mind worked before._

Now biting my nails, I waited for Jaebum to send me a message or a reaction. He only replied with, _And then?_

I put my phone down the coffee table and took a huge gulp of water, easing the tension forming on my shoulders. It confused me, why Jaebum wanted to know these things but at the same time, it also confused me why I was suddenly willing to supply everything for him when I wouldn’t tell him my favorite color back then.

_Did I really like him that much?_

_Anyway I eventually moved on and got into another relationship,_ I started once more, remembering how my relationship was with a guy that probably hurt me more than all of my exes combined. It was with an older guy I met when I was in college. He was okay. Our relationship was safe. Although I didn’t fall crazy in love with him like the first guy I have been with, I loved him just the same. He was a special person in my life since we’ve been together the longest. And I told all of these to Jaebum.

_If you guys have a great relationship, why did you breakup?_

_I later found out that he was cheating on me with an older woman, leaving me with a brokenheart and trust issues to nurse until now. I mean, I believed in him, you know? I let my life revolved around him but then he threw it all away because he thought I was too young for him._ Sighing at the memory, I continued to tell my story with a heavy heart. _Eventually, I moved passed that as well. I managed to pick up myself and stuggled to see love still with my rose-tinted eyes._

_Not long after, I fell in love with a close friend who I used to flirt with but haven’t really dated. I was about to ask him out, but too bad because he had gotten back together with his ex, leaving no room for me to at least tell him how I actually feel._

_From then on, I just felt empty. I don’t understand love at all. Why it was like that to me all these years. I was an avid believer. I would always hope for it even in the saddest of days. But I guess that’s what happened to unbelievers. The conviction they had weren’t because they don’t believe in it from the beginning... but because they believed in it too much but found nothing concrete to hold on to in the end._

Laying down on the sofa, I continued to type my response while worrying my lip.

 _And you knew that my mom passed away last year, right? I think that was also a factor on my aversion to serious relationships because I found it ironic that a person will be alone when he or she leaves. So what’s the point of this whole relationship thing?_ _And I also realized that all this time, I haven’t really understood what love is. As ironic and dumb that sounds. They say love is unconditional, keeps no records of wrongs and patient and kind, right? I was neither of those with my previous relationships. I always want the other person to show me love and give it to me like I have always deserved it. And you know, I have also realized something—having trust issues is one, but having trust issues on your feelings, that is what I call a disaster._

 _And a disaster is what I am now that I fell for you,_ I thought of adding but didn’t. I waited for Jaebum to say something, to give me a reply but my phone kept silent the whole time.

_Did he fell asleep?_

I felt the telltale of panic and nausea coming into my system, realizing that I just breathed out years of insecurities and complex but Jaebum probably found it too complicated or worse, fucked up. I tried to calm my heart that’s beating so hard in my chest, it felt like it will burst out.

 _So, that’s my story. Will you now tell me why you asked?_ I sent back, worrying still that I probably scared him off with my issues.

“Oh my god, I shouldn’t have told him about it!” I mused aloud, now pacing the room in panic. “I could have given him just a summary and not a load of bull about how much of a failure I was at love. What was I thinking?” I continued to mumble at myself, pulling the ends of my hair in frustration.

When I probably ran a bunch of circles around my living room, a ping from my phone stopped me, compelling me to hold my phone again and open the unread message. I was cautious onto what it says in fear that it might leave me aching or brokenhearted.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” I whispered, breathlessly as I peeked onto every letter.

 _Open the door, I’m here,_ it said _,_ halting my steps and the beating of my heart _._ The gasp I let out was inaudible _,_ leaving only the heavy drum of blood rushing in my ear to be heard _._

“What the fuck?” I whispered under my breath, double checking the sender and making sure I wasn’t seeing things. After confirming that it was really Jaebum who sent the message, I now glanced at my front door, wondering if the idiot was just pulling my leg.

As if on cue, my doorbell rang and I jumped in surprise.

“Mark, I know you’re there. I just heard you curse,” I heard Jaebum’s voice called out from the other side, the sound leaving goosebumps on my skin and hypnotizing me to walk over the door to open it.

_Will I regret this decision? Definitely. But will I stop myself from doing it? Nope. Not really._

I told you. Fuck feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it took me an extra day to complete this chapter because I (accidentally) deleted a good chunk of it and tried to recreate it the best I can. haha! Remember kids to always back up your files or else you’ll cry blood. Anyway, I hope this would suffice. I hope you guys liked it. teehee! I will see you next week.
> 
> Thank you for still staying with me throughout this nonsense I’m spewing. Love you all!
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	12. Love Somebody Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m back. Enjoy~

Did you know that feeling of having yourself torn in between relief and embarrassment? When you have said and shown a vulnerable side of you, because for a split moment you thought it was an excellent idea. So there you were, relieved because finally someone knows, someone would be able to see what’s beneath all the mask you put on your face everyday. But just when you were about to breathe that sigh of relief, embarrassment had suddenly clouded the sliver of hope—because what the heck were you thinking? Those things weren’t attractive. Letting someone see the real _you_ would never be attractive.

I didn’t know what came up to me when I told Jaebum all of those things about my life. My past had always been private to me, even my family and friends do not know the whole story. I supplied them with bits and pieces of how I became like this, but never like what I have just revealed to Jaebum. What I gave him was the autobiography of Mark Tuan.

And as my hand was clutching on the doorknob, opening it slowly, I didn’t really know if I regret it or not like I didn’t know if I will regret opening the door for him right now.

_Fuck this shit._

What welcomed my vision when I carefully glanced outside was the said man, standing too close with his face beaded with sweat and mouth puffing air, as if he ran all the way to my place.

I frowned at his state. “Why do you look like you’ve ran all the way up here?”

“Because I did,” he simply answered, cluthing my doorframe to support his weight that seemed to grow heavier by each labored breath he breathed. “Well, won’t you invite me in?” he asked, voice hoarse.

“Oh,” I exclaimed in surprise, his words propelling me to move and make way for him inside my apartment. I closed my front door and motioned him to go before me, my eyes roaming at the spaces his glanced, the gesture making me see my place with renewed eyes.

 _Goddamit, I should have cleaned up a little bit,_ I thought quietly, blushing when Jaebum glanced on the clutter of opened bags of chips and soda cans at my coffee table.

“Looks like a party,” he tried to say, passing it as a joke but came short when he looked at my panicked state. “Sorry, bad joke. I uhhh—mind if I sit?” he murmured, plopping down my sofa before I could even shake my head.

I stood awkwardly in front of him then, my anxiety obvious with every tap of my foot and biting of my lip. I didn’t mean to make myself look stupid, but I couldn’t help worrying about his intentions and sudden presence in my apartment, and I was even afraid of asking him why he’s here.

“So…” he began, breaking the overdue silence between us, earning my full focus and attention. I stopped fidgeting and glanced at his gorgeous face, now behind those pair of cute nerdy glasses he used to wear. “You asked why I wanted to know the reason behind your aversion to relationships, right?”

I frowned at the reminder, nodding my head carefully as I wasn’t really sure if I was ready for whatever reason he has. But I let him in, so I had no choice but to brace myself and let the waves crash on me.

_Here we go._

“I won’t go around in circles and let this be another regret I’ll put on the list of things I didn’t do,” he began to say again, face suddenly earnest that pulled all of the strings attached to my heart. I have never seen him this passionate before. Did I like it? I don’t know. But did I feel special seeing it? Definitely.

“I like you,” he said, simple and clear, his voice firm and boarding no hesitations.

If I could have choked on my own saliva, I think I would have but I didn’t. I only had my jaw dropping and making a comical O. I was shocked to my core.

“You like… _me_?” I asked, my voice small and unsure in case I heard wrong.

“Yes,” he replied, nodding his head for emphasis. “In love with you even, if I think about it deeply because you’re everywhere, Mark. Ever since I met you that night at the bar, you have latched onto me. The music I listen to, the food I eat, the people I talk to and everytime I would watch anything I would always think, ‘hey, Mark would probably like this!’ or ‘Mark’s a fan of this,’ and it drives me crazy, having you everywhere like that!”

“I’m sorry?” I said timidly because Jaebum looked like he’s confessing but it also seemed like I did something wrong to him.

“No,” he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I promised myself I won’t let you know because you don’t want to be with anyone, you made that absolutely clear in the very beginning and I still want to do that. I’m a man of my word, but Mark, I—I just… I just thought that maybe I could try and make you see that I would do everything to show you we could work. I mean, we’re compatible in bed, so maybe we could do this whole relationship thing, yeah?”

I glanced around my place, finding something to ground me from the information Jaebum has force fed me just a few seconds ago. I was happy, you should know. I was in cloud nine with the realization that the one I like, liked me back. But how do I fit in his whole life when I made myself believe there was never a chance for us? Besides, he liked someone else; that girl and Jinyoung… it’s so confusing.

I chuckled in panic, wanting to make sure I filled the awkward silence but my laugh sounded more like a hysterical scoff than a playful one.

“I just told you I’m incapable of loving someone and you still wanted to try this serious relationship shit with me? You’re nuts, Jaebum. Totally out of your mind,” I said, sitting on the chair beside the sofa he’s sitting on. I couldn’t stand any longer, I felt like passing out with too much information loaded in my mind.

Jaebum glanced at me with his fiery eyes.

“You were able to feel something for someone before. You’re not totally incapable.”

“And you’re extremely optimistic,” I mocked, massaging my temples that seemed to start throbbing from an incoming headache. I closed my eyes to shut down the situation I was suddenly thrusted in and desperately tried to relax my mind but to no avail. I kept seeing Jaebum’s passionate face at the back of my mind.

In the middle of my impromptu meditation, I felt Jaebum scoot closer to me, the heat of his skin making mine shiver. I carefully cracked one eye open, and saw him kneeling in front of me, his face a few inches close to mine. I fought the urge to pull back and let my attraction to him show from my face.

Yes, I like the guy but that doesn’t mean I will jump in joy that fast. I still needed to think things through.

“Mark, I don’t want to promise you anything because I know you wouldn’t like that either. I just want one chance. One chance to try this and see where it would lead us,” he tried to persuade again, voice oozing with sincerity and seriousness I have never heard from him before. I couldn’t help but stare at his gorgeous face, the twin moles at his left eyelid hypnotizing my weak mind.

I unconsciously touched it, my index finger tingling from the tentative touch he let me have. I traced it along his face, now running slowly at his eyebrow, avoiding his glasses before traveing down his plump cheeks and then to his thin lips. I felt him gasp, the vibration coarsing through my skin. The heat of his breath caressed my face and it was enough to pull me back to my senses.

I shook my head and let my hand fall back on my lap. _I can’t do this._

“You like Jinyoung, Jaebum. I remember you saying that and it’s not very comforting to have in my mind while you say those things to me,” I mumbled, fidgeting with my fingers.

I heard him let out a deep sigh, before he clasp my hand with his warm one. I tried to pull back but he had a firm hold on it. Using his other hand, he titled my chin so I could gaze back at him.

“Yes, I used to like Park Jinyoung because he’s an admirable actor and singer—I compose and produced songs, I tend to get attracted to voices like his. But whatever it is I have for you wasn’t close to how I feel for anyone.” Kissing my fingers, Jaebum continued saying, “I liked you so much that at the very first time I saw you, I acted like a complete klutz. You seemed to be so cool and suave that I kept avoiding looking straight at you. Okay, wanna know something? The first time I sent you a message, remember that? I composed that a bunch of times because I want to sound equally cool to you. I also started wearing _angsty_ clothes, as you call it, so I could look attractive and less like a slob. I wanted to know you more so I kept babbling about some dumb shit such as liking your friend. But it was you that I like, Mark. It’s you.”

“How can I be sure of that? You know, this is a mistake,” I cut off, pushing him off lightly so I could stand and move away from him. I paced around my living room, hand outstretched to signal him not to come near me. “I can’t do this. I can’t trust anyone again or have feelings for anyone. I’m not at the right place to do that.”

“Mark…” he tried to plead, taking one step closer.

“No! You don’t understand. I have issues okay? A dozen of them probably. I just told you about it, didn’t I? I don’t want to subject you to that. It’s going to be unfair for the both of us if this doesn’t work.”

“But what if it did work for good? What if we both end up being together for a very long time and you and I became happy? Will you let that chance slip away just because you’re scared?” Jaebum challenged, shutting my mouth completely as I try to find reasons to refute his assumptions.

“Look, I’m so scared to try this too. I’m scared to death that I’m going to ruin what we have, but you’re worth all the effort, Mark. If we get hurt by all of these at least I have shown you that what I feel is real. Just give me one chance,” Jaebum said in a low voice. “If it will make you feel better, we can have like a month to try this out. We could date and stay lowkey if it’s too much for you but I just want to be with you and spend more time with you, Mark. Please?”

“Why?” I asked, unable to move from where I stood after he stepped close to my personal space and crowded me.

“I like you and I want to be with you,” he simply answered, shrugging his shoulders like it’s a simple thing. “It hurts when you’re not around and it hurts even more when I see you with someone else, like that guy you’re with at the party.”

“Jackson?” I asked incredulously, finding it funny that he’s implying to be jealous of my friend. And Jackson of all people.

“I don’t know his name, just that guy you’re with the whole night, laughing like a hyena. I don’t want to sound like a jealous and unreasonable prick but that’s how I feel… I want you for myself, Mark and I want to be your source of happiness.”

Jaebum ended his statement by pulling me towards his body, his arms wrapping around my shoulder and waist. I couldn’t help but become instantly pliant towards his body. My anxious heart slowly thawing by his sincere and sweet words.

In the silence of the night, I thought deeply of what I have found out and tried to make sense of it together with my insecurities. I basked in Jaebum’s warmth and realized that it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t so bad to be with someone like this again and to trust someone hold your vulnerabilities. I did not _dislike_ the feeling of being held. And to be held without the expectations of leading to sex or something close to that had me wanting to hold on to this longer.

 _This is pure. This is real,_ I told myself as I burrowed my face deeper into the crook of his neck and shoulder, inhaling his scent I now grew to remember.

“You’re going to regret this,” I murmured against his skin, feeling his chest vibrate from laughing lightly at my off handed statement.

“I might but then again, I might not,” he whispered at my ear, squeezing my body lightly before kissing my temple. “I also want to see you smile, Mark.”

On cue, I looked up at him and gave him a fake smile, one which I was pulling all the muscles on my face and probably making me look ugly. Jaebum flicked my forehead and chuckled once more.

“I mean your eyes. I want to see your smile reach your eyes.”

“That would be hard,” I whispered softly, holding his hand that’s still cupping my cheek. “I don’t think I still know how to do that.”

Jaebum bumped his head lightly against mine, sighing deeply before saying, “I will help you. Just give me a chance? Please?” His voice pleading.

I squeezed my eyes shut at that once more, biting my lip as I contemplate for the last time. When all was said and done, I have realized that I have never been that strong in pushing Jaebum away. Because the moment I have let him in that first time, I was gone and whatever it is he wanted from me, I would just simply give him. It’s just the way it is.

_I told you, fucking feelings, right?_

“Okay,” I murmured, my voice so low it’s almost inaudible, but Jaebum managed to hear me. And it felt like all hell broke loose that time. He instantly grabbed me and spun me around the room whilst screaming in glee. He kept thanking me and leaving promises on my lips and my skin.

That night, I genuinely thought I was happy. Right in the middle of that tiny apartment of mine in Seoul, away from my family and away from my reality.

Jaebum provided me a distraction...

and I have never been wrong about everything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I’m sorry this took a while to get posted. I had to do some socializing last night soooo... but anyway. Here it is! I hope you guys liked it. Thank you for staying this long and holding on to my story. I love you all so much. See you on Sunday!
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	13. Touch

Young and budding relationships always have something in common, don’t they? The endless phone calls, the frequent text messages and random _heys_. It’s the desire to be with that person literally every second of every time.

Since we’ve just started going out together, Jaebum and I became inseparable, the poor guy clinging onto me every chance he gets. He would often invite me to his apartment to hang out, which, I won’t deny would usually end up with us getting tangled under the sheets or just simply cuddling like hybernating bears. I have never been in my own apartment for a few days just because I couldn’t keep myself away from him as well. My heart and my body yearning his presence every night.

It was also during this time that I finally found out Jaebum’s obsession with cats, and I wasn’t exaggerating when I say he’s obsessed with them because the man has five cats under his wing, all equally his favorite, turning him into this mushy goofball when the furries start purring at him. Like this cute black cat he has named Kunta that clings at his legs when it wants to be pet.

I found that adorable and maybe I fell in love even more when I saw their interactions, because my boyfriend looked so cute.

God, calling him _my_ _boyfriend_ still send shivers down my spine because it’s still unbelievable that we ended up like this. For the life of me, I never thought that he’d feel the same.

It was surreal.

It was blissful.

It was a happy time.

“I was just curious,” I told him one evening, my naked body buried deep in Jaebum’s fluffy blankets as his arm snaked around my torso to pull me into his warm chest.

“What?” he murmured close to my ear, stirring back something devious in me.

“That night when we first met, why were you wearing those uptight formal clothes? I just found it weird since you didn’t wear those when you’re with me,” I asked, feeling him tense up behind me.

I waited for a few minutes, only hearing his breathing in between the silence. Then, “Well, I was supposed to meet Sunmi noona at a restaurant I booked for us back then. I was still trying to convince her that we should try it again but she’s decided to start anew with her life so she stood me up. Luckily, Youngjae called to invite me and I ended up partying with you guys instead.”

It was my turn to tense up, my body like a coil tightening at the edges. I forced a chuckle at that, changing the topic swiftly and trying to distract him with jokes of how dorky he looked like. Jaebum seemed to welcome the distraction, eating it up as we left behind his past love life behind.

However, my rose colored glasses started to crack... and so was the comfort Jaebum placed in my heart.

One with a rational mind would have addressed his insecurities from the moment he felt it. But my pride held me back and I let the green eyed monster continue to fester inside of me, her presence consuming me slowly and almost completely.

 

Like in every relationship, Jaebum and I would have our moments, we would argue and avoid talking to each other for hours and sometimes days because of some simple shit we did not agree with. I couldn’t really remember much of the things we fought about but what I do remember was how we settled it.

 _Sex_.

It’s what we knew that worked well for the both of us even before feelings got tangled together with our lives.

“I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t pressure you like that again,” Jaebum whispered, his hands traveling down my torso to take off my shirt and then my pants.

We just finished arguing about our differences. Jaebum, mostly, keeping us intact while I used my passive-aggresiveness as defense mechanism to what he wanted me to do. I didn’t know what lead us to making out, maybe it was the heat of the moment or the flushing of my boyfriend’s skin when he’s so mad that I found so hot. Either way, I wasn’t complaining because he’s way passionate in bed when he’s a little bit rattled. Am I doing it on purpose? _Maybe_.

“Let’s not fight again, it makes me so sad,” he added, before turning me around so he could push my ass against his hardened length, arousing me further.

“We won’t. I’m also sorry, babe,” I muttered, gritting my teeth when he held my cock as he abruptly pushed one finger inside my ass, slick but not enough to ease the sting. I hissed at the intrusion.

“I love you,” he breathed into my neck, sucking my skin while he slowly fucked me with his fingers.

I hummed in ecstasy, the pain and pleasure too much for my mind to focus on what‘s being said. I fumbled clumsily at the dresser in his bedroom, scratching at the pristine wood whilst grinding back. I moaned loudly, blood rushing to my ears and drowning the sound of The Midnight playing in the background.

It wasn’t long when Jaebum deemed that I’m ready for him, and I felt my skin prickle in excitement the moment I heard the familiar sound of a foil being torn, consequently feeling the tip of his length where his fingers were. I anticipated the pain, then the feeling of being stretched out and then I threw my head forward and let my eyes rolled in euphoria right after he pushed himself to the hilt, filling me up.

“Open your eyes, babe, and look at us,” he whispered hoarsely, making me follow his orders. When I opened my eyes, I was met by the explicit visual of us, being joined together while I was being fucked so good from behind.

Our eyes met through the mirror, both dilated with lust and desire. He seemed to be speaking to me through his dark orbs, fucking me even with his sexy and piercing stares. Our necks were both flushed, painting our skins beautifully with sweat glistening as he thrust into me carefully. Jaebum had his lower lip trapped between his teeth, his fingers digging into the skin just above my hip and the other on my shoulder. His hair was a mess, but a mess that only made him look ravishingly hotter. I so wanted him to fuck me even harder.

“Harder,” I breathed out, my muscles straining and I groaned aloud when he suddenly hit my spot.

“You like that?” he moaned, his thrust now harder, almost pushing my face against the mirror.

I breathed out a _yes_ , but my voice cut off since he’s now pounding into me. I held onto his hand that’s on my hip, entwining our fingers in my desperation to find something to hold on to. I felt Jaebum squeezed back, smiling dazzlingly at me before shutting his eyes in bliss. The sound of our skin slapping with one another satisfyingly good in my ear.

“Shit baby, I don’t think I will last long. You’re so hot,” he cried out a few minutes later, pulling my hair to lead me towards his chest, my back arching so he could still stay inside me while he had my face close to his once again. “So tight.”

“Fuck!” I groaned. “Come. Inside. Me. Jaebum-ah,” I said, my words punctured with every thrust of his hip towards mine. Jaebum looked into my eyes through the mirror again, an emotion so strong and yet so delicate flickering on his face before he bit painfully into my shoulder. He abruptly pulled out of me, his hand swiftly removing the latex off of his length. It wasn’t long when he’s back inside of me, filling me up to the brim while I felt his fully naked cock easing into my hole.

Throughout his climax, I was just staring at his face, how glorious his expression was and how exquisitely beautiful his neck strained when he threw his head back as he cummed on me. Right after he recovered from shaking, he immediately carried and sat me down his dresser, kneeling and finishing me off with his god-gifted mouth. I didn’t have the voice for singing but when Jaebum’s mouth was on my skin, I could probably sing praises—all for him.

Given the situation I was in, I should have been happy, I should have been contented and whatever insecurities I have would have been easily tampered by Jaebum’s quiet reassurance that what we had was real.

But I’m afraid I couldn’t say that I was 100% confident on that. The green eyed monster was often lurking in my mind, especially at times that I was truly happy. It pulled me three steps backwards and reminded me that I wasn’t the only one Jaebum found attractive, that any moment whatever I had with him may just vanish in thin air. He may have mentioned that I was different, but what actually made me different from Jinyoung and that Sunmi noona he used to date? Am I enough to entertain him and keep the novelty of being unique for a long time?

I’m scared of investing too much in our relationship, but I was also afraid that I have been sinking deeer into it. Everyday that I was with him, I was happy but I was also on the verge of losing my mind when he’s not around. I kept thinking that he’s out there, probably meeting the one he could replace me with.

I know that Jaebum felt it, the distance and detachment I put between us even though we’re always together. He still struggled to reel me back in, one step forward and three steps back. He’s patient with me, he’s persevering and he endured all of my shit.

It was a pitiful state I let both of us experienced. I was never proud of my decisions that time. However, despite my regrets I know that whatever happened to us was for the best.

And even though it was obvious that we’re heading downhill, Jaebum and I still blindly ran that dead end— _hand in hand._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh! I honestly decided to put a smut in there at the last minute. I hope it’s not too bad? Hahaha! Anyway, you guys are so cool, encouraging me all the time. I appreciate all of your comments and kudos—it kept me going. We’re almost at the end so let’s hold hands. How do you think this will end? See you next week, loves.
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


	14. Bad At Love

I have always kept a small circle of friends ever since I was little. I’m a bit of an introvert, if it wasn’t too obvious yet. It’s not that I don’t socialize but it’s more like I want to keep only the important people close to me and I figured early on that to achieve that, I need to keep only a small circle so I could give them equal and fair attention. I had a few ones back in L.A., middle and high school buddies I later on had as college friends. Then I have a few in South Korea, the foreigners I confide with—those who struggled the same hardships and homesickness I experienced. And the locals I grew to love and treated as my family.

Park Jinyoung and I didn’t like each other from the get go. We met when I was referred to him as his main stylist for his whole acting campaign. He was supposed to have his first tv appearance as an actor then, and his management was looking for a fresh look, away from my friend’s usual oversized sweaters and pants that made him look like an 80 year old instead of a guy who just turned 22. To say it took us a few weeks to warm up to each other was an understatement because that guy was a petty fucker. He used to mock my style, even calling my taste barbaric when I tried to persuade him into wearing a thin leather choker, leather shirt beneath a low cut jacket and tight pants.

I probably shut his mouth and proved him wrong when he trended on Naver just on his style alone, making him quite well known before his tv appearance dropped. People anticipated his shows, making him one of the household names in Korean entertainment industry.

From then on we became close and the trust I gained that day had been going on ‘til now. Everything I achieved, Jinyoung had a huge contribution for it. You see, networking is not my best suit, but it is Jinyoung’s. He recommended me and gave a good word about my work, causing my name to be quite well known in the entertainment industry as well, changing my life completely. Through him I met Bambam, Yugyeom, Jackson, Youngjae… which later on led me to _Jaebum_.

That guy who made me feel things when I wasn’t even interested in it anymore.

  
Look, I wasn’t usually a jealous person. In fact, I’m laid back in relationships and I don’t really mind if my partner would be close to somebody else. But given the situation of how everything between me and Jaebum started, could someone blame me for feeling that painful jab in my heart when Jinyoung would put his arms around my boyfriend and the latter would smile brightly at him like he has finally seen the sun and forgotten all about me?

I wasn’t as strong as I let people perceived me to be. I’m standoffish but that doesn’t mean I could no longer feel.

But you know what’s more painful in this whole dilemma? It was all my fault because I refused to make anyone know about our relationship in the first place. I want it kept as if we’re still fubus and not boyfriends.

Jaebum insisted we make our relationship known, so our friends would have an idea, so we didn’t have to act like strangers even though we’re dying to hold each other’s hands. He was trying to convince me so that we could freely date and whatever insecurities we’re harboring could be erased because we’re both secured in that aspect.

I didn’t know why I refused to make it public. I wasn’t embarrassed of our relationship. Jaebum won’t make you feel anything close to that, _no_.

I think it stemmed more from _fear_. I’m afraid that once we made everyone aware of it, it would hurt more when it fails. The more people who knew about it would mean more pity eyes that would follow me if this doesn’t work out. More questions. More explanations. And more torn relationships for me.

The very little circle I kept might get smaller… worse, _ruined_.

And as sad of a fact it was… I didn’t think my feelings for Jaebum was too strong for me to risk that much.

In those months that we kept it, I have to say that Jaebum had been amazing. He was patient with me in every step of the way, he never rushed me or pressured me to do something I wasn’t comfortable. There were times that he would ask if we could tell it to everyone, he would try to persuade me, but when he has seen me getting uneasy, he would drop it and move on.

I didn’t know how we did it, but Jaebum and I was able to stay in our relationship in secret for almost a year. Everything between us hush hush to our friends, except our families. Our confessions in whispers and kisses and passion still behind closed doors. I was honestly contented in that, I was satisfied being in our little bubble.

However, bubbles could still pop, and once it evaporates… you’ll be surprised that you now have to heave for air.

  
The tide started to tip sideways when Jaebum tried to surprise me on my birthday. We were in a quaint restaurant, just the two of us when all of a sudden our friends showed up, bringing in a cake, candle lit and singing off tune while I look aghast at their dorky faces. When my surprise and laughter died down, I finally made a wish and blew the candles, Jaebum giving me a small smile before squeezing my hand tenderly beneath the table.

I was about to thank him with a not so subtle kiss (which would finally make us public) when someone interrupted us.

“Hyung!” Jinyoung greeted, sitting on the seat just in front of us. I glanced at my friend and noticed his bright smile he only gives those he’s close with.

I felt threatened for some reason.

“Hey,” Jaebum greeted back, hand still on mine but eyes on someone else.

That somewhat didn’t sit well with me, but I still tamped down the anger boiling at the pit of my stomach and chose to look away. _That’s just my boyfriend and my closest friend conversing innocently,_ I thought over and over in my head.

“Thank you for that book you lend me, by the way. It was great. I didn’t know you’re into poetry as well,” I heard Jinyoung said, spiking the interest of my boyfriend who, sadly, were into books. The usual boredom in his eyes vanished and he went into excitement.

I don’t really share the same interest with him except for my introvertedness and big heart for pets and kids’ movies.

Now, that would have been fine, we work out well together despite the glaring differences. Jaebum would go far and beyond his comfort zone just to adjust to my needs.

Yet somehow, I couldn’t stand the way he and Jinyoung seemed to be like a pea in a pod. How compatible and similar they were. There were times that they would converse all day and night, talking about the same thing animatedly that would sometimes leave me standing in the background.

I tried, you should know that I tried immersing myself in these conversations but my limited knowledge on books and photography had left me crippled when they go off in excitement.

I never try again after that. And I didn’t really try now, when they were talking about poetry and I will be pushed aside again.

I pulled my hand subtly off of Jaebum and stood up, deciding it was better to sit beside Yugyeom and Bambam who were talking about some random shit they saw online; I think that’s something I could relate to.

I could feel Jaebum’s eyes on me as I left him with Jinyoung but sadly he didn’t follow after me like he would usually do when he realized that I was closing off, and I guess that was enough indication that I wasn’t as special as I thought I was in his life.

I spent that night of my birthday with Jaebum in my bed but I have never felt more alone.

Jaebum and I continued our relationship in secret but my friends probably caught whiff of us sometime after my birthday when they realized that Jaebum seemed to be closer to me lately and that it was him who planned the whole surprise thing instead of my closest friends. We have never confirmed it and let the people around us have their own presumption about our relationship.

One would think that it’ll be better that way but this is me we were talking about. This is me with heaps of insecurities and long list of issues in relationships. We could have let them know properly, yet I decided to prolong the secret… frustrating Jaebum in the process.

Our discord didn’t happen in just the blink of an eye. Just like my feelings for Jaebum, it started small, festered and grew until we’re both suffocated from the magnitude of it. I still blame myself for ruining the opportunity given to me and him.

And when I look back at that time, I despise the person I used to be.

“What’s wrong, Mark? I don’t understand why you’re suddenly shutting me down like this again. It’s getting too tiring already, don’t you think?” Jaebum groaned helplessly as I give him the cold shoulder while I organize the new Guccis and Yves Saint Laurents I ordered for Bambam.

It was just one of those days, when my mood was too sour and Jaebum couldn’t stop gushing about how good Jinyoung’s drama was and that I should watch it.

It was petty. I know it was.

But I was so fucking jealous of my friend already and it was confusing the heck out of me. I didn’t want to hate Jinyoung but every time the two of them were together, I also felt the resentment in me linger and fester.

I continued to act unbothered even when Jaebum towered over me. I let him fire into a tirade while I busy myself with signature clothes and shoes I will be bringing with me to Thailand. I honestly cannot wait to run away from him and his questions.

Probably feeling frustrated, my boyfriend held tightly onto my wrist and forced me to look at him.

“Will you talk to me, please?”

“I’m busy, Jaebum. Let’s talk about this later,” I replied, pulling my arm from his grip, which only made him held tighter.

“Later? Later you would be leaving and we wouldn’t have a chance to talk. You’ll be busy with your work and I will be set aside again!” he bellowed, the words emphasized with sarcasm that I felt as his nails digged into my skin.

“Well, you seem to know very well that I am busy. So let’s talk about whatever it is you’re trying to get from me when I get back,” I said matter of factly, making him scoff.

“You’re passive-aggressiveness is uncalled for and I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me!”

“What passive-aggressive are you talking about? We’re fine, Jaebum. I was just tired and busy that’s why I haven’t been hanging out with you lately,” I snapped, finally freeing my hand that I immediately used to finish the last item of clothing I needed to bring for my trip. After zipping the last luggage, I started checking my carry-on bag.

“You told me you will try, Mark,” Jaebum suddenly began, voice in anguish and somewhat defeated.

I glanced at him and saw his body slumped on my sofa, face buried in both of his hands as he took deep breaths. There was an urge for me to comfort him, to tell him my secrets and all of those that bothered me to soothe him from his troubles. Yet, I kept my silence as I stood idly a few feet away from him.

“You told me that we will try and that you will give me a chance to prove myself but do you really? Were you really giving me that chance for the past 8 months?” I met his eyes then, when he raised his head to face me. They were moist, as if he’s about to cry and it tugged all of the strings in my heart knowing it was me who caused it.

I was about to reach for his face when he stood up and paced the room.

“I am trying. I am already giving you that chance, Jaebum. What else do you want me to do?” I asked, giving up in acting busy with my things and letting myself have a few moments to talk to him like he asked of me.

He scoffed at what I just said and shook his head in disbelief. “Whenever you’d have your problems in this relationship you would resolve to closing off or keeping me away. How is that trying?”

“You know how I am in—”

“I know how you are, Mark!” Jaebum bellowed, cutting me off completely before he breathed in deep in frustration. “And I am also trying to understand where you’re coming from. You’re scared. I get that. But it seems to me that you’re not even trying because if you are I wouldn’t be here convincing you to talk to me all the damn time!”

“See? I told you we shouldn’t have been in a relationship. You’re now sick of me and now you would leave me!”

Jaebum’s face crumbled in offense and that was the first time I saw his eyes turned morose, almost lifeless.

“You know what? Yeah, maybe I was sick of you having to be so damn stubborn and aloof at me at most of the time! I am here trying to reach out but all you wanted was your own space, leaving no room for me to be in your life.”

Wiping a stray tear, he continued, “Sometimes I feel like you didn’t really need me, that whatever we’re doing is just so I could prove once again how you could be hurt. Well newsflash Mark, stop playing the victim all the time and look at how you act in this relationship! We’re both in here so why am I the only one having to work for it?”

“I told you before that it was futile because I was incapable of love—“

“You are capable to love!” he gritted out. “I saw you cry for your mom and how you would often go to a small space to pray for her. I saw you with your siblings and how you would worry about them, especially that you’re the only one away. I saw you with your nieces and how you love each and everyone of your family’s dogs! You could love but you choose not to love me because you wanted to play this narrative in your head that you’re a victim with a chip, no, chunk on your shoulders. I was the one not capable of being worthy for the mighty _you_. I love you so damn much but it’s also hurting me and I am done. I am so done of doing this to myself and having to fill this gigantic hole only you could fill yourself because you don’t even want any of us to do so.”

Pulling in another deep breath, Jaebum let both of hands fall from both of his sides, a sign of defeat.

I attempted to step closer to him, to try to appease him and mend what I have done. Yet for some reason my feet stayed rooted on the floor and I did nothing to stop him from walking towards the door.

To an exit.

I stared momentarily at his wide back, recalling how much I leaned my face on it for comfort. It was quickly dawning on me that it might be the last time and that I will never have a chance to be with him again.

It was that moment that I realized that I have ruined something beautiful.

I ruined Im Jaebum.

“I am sorry, Mark, but I can’t do this anymore. Nothing’s wrong, as you say. But I say everything was probably wrong between us from the start. I apologize for even bothering you these past few months. _Goodbye_.”

And just like that my world fell apart, crashing and burning at my feet, wounding my whole body. My stomach felt heavy and my mind whirred with different thoughts unwelcomed and unbidden. But you know what’s worse?

I didn’t cry instead I continued with my tasks at hand, _numb_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I  
> Am  
> Sorry.
> 
> I have been MIA since Friday and that is because I couldn’t finish this chapter. It hurts me so much that’s why I was trying to prolong it a little bit. Haha! Next week I will finally put this to a close, so let us all watch out for that. Thank you everyone. I will see you soon!
> 
> xoxo,  
> A


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